Why I won’t let go of my past 30 years
Part of grieving is to release the past and focus on the future.
A complicated mental, spiritual, epigenerational and even physical process.
If I had friends they'd probably gently suggest I wasn't doing particularly well at letting go of my disastrous marriage.
Here are my excuses—
1. If I forget, it will be gone. My ex doesn't give a shit. My community is lost. Our homes have been traded. Our remaining pet died. We have no mutual family. Yet the last 30 years were the best parts of my life. How do I resolve my desire that they not be lost forever?
2. Similarly, I am now clear that I was the victim of spousal abuse, subject to theft, serial gaslighting, lying, and the entire range of demeaning behaviors. All the narcissistic personality disorder traits. The desire for justice is hurting me, I know. Love is not just nor fair. Still—someone needs to stay alive to identify the perps?
3. I was happy and healthy then. I'm depressed, weak, tired and impaired now. Who wouldn't want to focus on a different time when there was at least the remote chance they were desirable or sexy or likable or worthy?
A complicated mental, spiritual, epigenerational and even physical process.
If I had friends they'd probably gently suggest I wasn't doing particularly well at letting go of my disastrous marriage.
Here are my excuses—
1. If I forget, it will be gone. My ex doesn't give a shit. My community is lost. Our homes have been traded. Our remaining pet died. We have no mutual family. Yet the last 30 years were the best parts of my life. How do I resolve my desire that they not be lost forever?
2. Similarly, I am now clear that I was the victim of spousal abuse, subject to theft, serial gaslighting, lying, and the entire range of demeaning behaviors. All the narcissistic personality disorder traits. The desire for justice is hurting me, I know. Love is not just nor fair. Still—someone needs to stay alive to identify the perps?
3. I was happy and healthy then. I'm depressed, weak, tired and impaired now. Who wouldn't want to focus on a different time when there was at least the remote chance they were desirable or sexy or likable or worthy?
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