Getting a failing grade for 30 years, after being the best baby in the world.

My mother wrote a note to my father (they eloped in Indiana five days later) the day she found out she was pregnant with me.  It was September 12, 1954. 

She wrote; "Allan, we're going to have the best baby in the world."

My therapist has pointed out that this was a wonderful hopeful expression, but also a family constellation "contract."  The terms were simple, and they've guided my whole life since then:  you won't criticize me, and I'll be the best."

In this context, when I met my life partner, she seemed perfect.  She's a constant grader, and I needed grading to "confirm" I was living up to my pre-natal contract. 

Thirty years later, after several affairs and long absences (she dumped me in 2012, 2021, and 2023 finally), I have no self-esteem.  I'm suffering from PTSD, and I'm on Zoloft to tame my depression. 

My ex-wife gave me her final "F" and ghosted me. I don't know where she lives.  I don't know what she does.  I don't know who her friends are.  My life partner—poof…because I deserved it, as she pointed out every day.

I desire to cancel the contract I was handed by my mom four months before I was born.  My mom's long gone, but I know she didn't intend for me to continue to observe it, and she wants it cancelled too.

I'm alone now, so this work will need to be done alone, and other than my therapist, there's no one I can share this with.  I do not fully understand how to deal with a primary female partner in a "no grades" relationship. Maybe I'll get a chance to experience that no-fail, mutual kind of love!

While I wait, can I just say to this emptiness:  wow, my ex-wife was mean.  In her heart.  In her actions. Small and mean.