Sitting with the knowledge that my best friend never gave a shit about me
Hard pill to swallow and I no longer have any evidence of her capacity to love or nurture or care. Especially for me.
Using her own angry words—first she preferred women sexually.
Then she didn't love me. She left for affairs (Phoenix, Montreal, others?) as soon as someone said she was beautiful. These lasted less than a month as far as I know—" people are mean" she once said to me after she got dumped by a polyamorous date. But her infantile ego needs cause me a universe of hurt.
I badly misunderstood her. Her outbursts and rejection and dismissals always seemed non-contextual to me—mini panic attacks that always infected our companionship. I'm sorry about that. I now see that she was never happy with me, so her outbursts weren't about isolated incidents—they were part of her massive dissatisfaction and exhaustion that came out when she was micro-frustrated, tired, or more bored with me than normal.
I lived in my world of denial for 28 years. It makes so much sense to me that I'm broken and depressed. I compounded her gaslighting with my lack of careful listening and thereby gaslighted myself by believing love was present when in reality there was nastiness and daily sedition in my marriage.
You were living in hell and you were so gormless you thought it was a fairy tale! No gold stars ever from the most important woman in your life.
I will die with a "not worth grading" score from my marriage. But I lived up to my side of the bargain. $4.9 million, Mina. I'm not your dad. I was your faithful and loving husband and you'll be living off the generosity I gave you from the night at Il Nostro until you, too, die alone.
Using her own angry words—first she preferred women sexually.
Then she didn't love me. She left for affairs (Phoenix, Montreal, others?) as soon as someone said she was beautiful. These lasted less than a month as far as I know—" people are mean" she once said to me after she got dumped by a polyamorous date. But her infantile ego needs cause me a universe of hurt.
I badly misunderstood her. Her outbursts and rejection and dismissals always seemed non-contextual to me—mini panic attacks that always infected our companionship. I'm sorry about that. I now see that she was never happy with me, so her outbursts weren't about isolated incidents—they were part of her massive dissatisfaction and exhaustion that came out when she was micro-frustrated, tired, or more bored with me than normal.
I lived in my world of denial for 28 years. It makes so much sense to me that I'm broken and depressed. I compounded her gaslighting with my lack of careful listening and thereby gaslighted myself by believing love was present when in reality there was nastiness and daily sedition in my marriage.
You were living in hell and you were so gormless you thought it was a fairy tale! No gold stars ever from the most important woman in your life.
I will die with a "not worth grading" score from my marriage. But I lived up to my side of the bargain. $4.9 million, Mina. I'm not your dad. I was your faithful and loving husband and you'll be living off the generosity I gave you from the night at Il Nostro until you, too, die alone.
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