When you love someone who is hateful, it helps to remind yourself of the truth

My ex really was flawed…deeply…and she made a mess of nearly every situation she entered.  Since she's been ghosting me again for the last three years (including for three months when she showed up on my doorstep again and continued to lie and act out) I can only imagine what she's fucking up now.  I feel empathy for people I don't know in a location I don't know who I'll never meet.  They're my peeps…if I met them as strangers I'm sure we could compare notes on trauma and shock and the shame of betrayal.

 

We won't get fooled again, though I did so many times that I sacrificed every last drop of my self-esteem.  Running on empty…

 

I look back on our history together and, now that I'm part of her discard pile, am not entitled to treatment similar to how you'd treat a faulty sewerage system, I have a pretty clear picture of a sociopath.  I see her terror and loss and awareness that she could not understand normal human attachment.  I see her embarrassment and the impact on her health that resulted from her futile efforts to disguise her deficiencies. 

 

Too bad she's such a cruise missile.  I really liked her company.  I'm angry at myself more than anyone because I watched her hurt and ignore and insult so many others…often causing neurological damage…and I did not speak up.  I sold my soul to another devil (she did own a pair or two of Prada shoes though she didn't wear them, presumably because she was always bisexual) to get the rare crumbs of her companionship.

 

She never offers approval.  She just needs to be the brown-nosing best student in the class, and

I saw her as my partner and equal…a status that scared the shit out of her and that she didn't accept or believe. 

 

None of my behavior mattered.  All that mattered was that she was her own Queen Elizabeth. 

 

What a sad sack human my ex is.  I can't remember a thing she accomplished after getting dumped so frequently.  Of course she had to turn me into a troglodyte.  It had to be something dumber and lower and addicted and gross to get further into the latrine than where she grew up and lives to this day.  I don't need to ever talk to her again to know shit still stinks…