Learning more about my health, and understanding more about others with illnesses
I keep anticipating a call from my text apologizing for all those fights she started, and her profound confidence that she was always right. I don't blame her—she was undiagnosed with Addisons disease, which causes the adrenal gland to produce fight or flight chemicals. Unmedicated (I assume she's taking meds now) the ill person sees every interaction as a threat.
I was her best friend and she appeared to be terrified of me. She fawned over any one new she met, and plotted against all of those closest to her. With her family, the result was long absences, hair-trigger nastiness, and a manic belief that others with needs intended harm.
My experience of living with my ex is that her biochemical illness began to manifest in 2010, though she didnt begin treatment until 2023 when related symptoms (toxic levels of potassium) caused her to black out and evidence chronic fatigue. I believe she ended up in the hospital for a long time.
My guess is I won't ever receive recognition for all I did to minimize the damage from her medical condition. My ex also has genetic exposure on her dad's side to narcissistic disorder. She has a risk pattern that sounds like a perfect storm from the outside ( I'm guessing here since she didn't begin treatment for the Addisons until long after she filed for divorce and began the third major round of ghosting me. There is no treatment for narcissism and those behavioral disorders.)
My ex has significant exposure to incorrectly assessing the needs of others as primal danger, compounded by a genetic certainty that her faulty judgements are infallible.
That part of her was unmanageable and massively unpleasant to live with.
Meanwhile, I was managing the fact that my family (my brother most immediately) has genetic bi-polar markers). I've recently done significant work with psychedelic enhanced therapy, despite the fact that research is now showing that they are not indicated for anyone with histories of schizophrenia or manic/ depressive illnesses in their family gene pool.
I believe, based on medical tests, these treatments seriously backfired and put me into fairly severe serotonin syndrome. It's taken me half a year for my body and mind to stabilize from the ketamine and mdma treatments I did with my therapists (according to my doctor). The mdma triggered negative responses most dramatically. I should have heeded the research that I am a high-risk candidate for psychedelic treatments.
Other chemicals (alcohol, microdosing psilocybin and LSD, periodic coke, and even cannibis) are also high risk in this chemical stew. I shielded most of the negatives by being an athlete, eating an extremely healthy diet by American standards otherwise, being careful about sleep, and staying actively engaged in a rich intellectual and emotional life.
Now, I live alone, I'm being treated for non-reactive depression and PTSD, and I'm 69. The other chemicals give me a lift for an hour or two, but two days of severe depression follow. Thank god I've stopped those things. I have lost all resilience against the self-hatred and endless napping alcohol in particular now causes. Two sips cause days on the couch—filled with painful manic cycling. These journal entries are a legacy of this manic-depressive abuse. They help by slowing and focusing my mind, though they probably do some damage in their focus on my trauma and mental health challenges.
In the meantime, I'm avoiding social interaction. I overreact and don't trust myself to show up for anyone else. Typical of depression, there are too many days I cannot get off the couch to have normal or rewarding friendships.
Just like my ex-wife, except she overreacts to everything and trusts herself absolutely. In her case, it's in her blood and genes. This combination is going to hurt a lot more people, whom she'll ignore. And discard. And ghost. She lives in a world of bright shiny objects of which, as everyone is required to know, she is the shining star. She's 57. This is not going to be graceful for anyone in her posse.
I was her best friend and she appeared to be terrified of me. She fawned over any one new she met, and plotted against all of those closest to her. With her family, the result was long absences, hair-trigger nastiness, and a manic belief that others with needs intended harm.
My experience of living with my ex is that her biochemical illness began to manifest in 2010, though she didnt begin treatment until 2023 when related symptoms (toxic levels of potassium) caused her to black out and evidence chronic fatigue. I believe she ended up in the hospital for a long time.
My guess is I won't ever receive recognition for all I did to minimize the damage from her medical condition. My ex also has genetic exposure on her dad's side to narcissistic disorder. She has a risk pattern that sounds like a perfect storm from the outside ( I'm guessing here since she didn't begin treatment for the Addisons until long after she filed for divorce and began the third major round of ghosting me. There is no treatment for narcissism and those behavioral disorders.)
My ex has significant exposure to incorrectly assessing the needs of others as primal danger, compounded by a genetic certainty that her faulty judgements are infallible.
That part of her was unmanageable and massively unpleasant to live with.
Meanwhile, I was managing the fact that my family (my brother most immediately) has genetic bi-polar markers). I've recently done significant work with psychedelic enhanced therapy, despite the fact that research is now showing that they are not indicated for anyone with histories of schizophrenia or manic/ depressive illnesses in their family gene pool.
I believe, based on medical tests, these treatments seriously backfired and put me into fairly severe serotonin syndrome. It's taken me half a year for my body and mind to stabilize from the ketamine and mdma treatments I did with my therapists (according to my doctor). The mdma triggered negative responses most dramatically. I should have heeded the research that I am a high-risk candidate for psychedelic treatments.
Other chemicals (alcohol, microdosing psilocybin and LSD, periodic coke, and even cannibis) are also high risk in this chemical stew. I shielded most of the negatives by being an athlete, eating an extremely healthy diet by American standards otherwise, being careful about sleep, and staying actively engaged in a rich intellectual and emotional life.
Now, I live alone, I'm being treated for non-reactive depression and PTSD, and I'm 69. The other chemicals give me a lift for an hour or two, but two days of severe depression follow. Thank god I've stopped those things. I have lost all resilience against the self-hatred and endless napping alcohol in particular now causes. Two sips cause days on the couch—filled with painful manic cycling. These journal entries are a legacy of this manic-depressive abuse. They help by slowing and focusing my mind, though they probably do some damage in their focus on my trauma and mental health challenges.
In the meantime, I'm avoiding social interaction. I overreact and don't trust myself to show up for anyone else. Typical of depression, there are too many days I cannot get off the couch to have normal or rewarding friendships.
Just like my ex-wife, except she overreacts to everything and trusts herself absolutely. In her case, it's in her blood and genes. This combination is going to hurt a lot more people, whom she'll ignore. And discard. And ghost. She lives in a world of bright shiny objects of which, as everyone is required to know, she is the shining star. She's 57. This is not going to be graceful for anyone in her posse.
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