Satisfaction as I retreat from the horror

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So many ways I identified myself are meaningless to me now. I don't do them and I have no sense of nostalgia, or desire to rekindle anything.

For instance:

Sex, including masturbation.

Athleticism.  Workouts are about companionship.  I have no companions (my cat does not need Crossfit or cold plunges).

Fiction.  Streaming TV.  Movies.  Blech.

Women as best friends.  I don't understand why I was attracted, now that I’ve experienced the trauma of a false marriage. (I’m out of traditional genders to reject  I gave up on men as best friends as a kid.)

A social community.

Coaches of any sort, and, even worse, those who think "holding space" is a helping profession.  (These are ways to get money out of your friends.  Nothing more.  Read Cervantes if you want to understand your own life.  Don't waste it on a life coach who hasn't ever had a successful relationship and can't carry on a conversation unless they're running a Zoom session.)

The consumption of culture available to me in my adult home of New York City.

Leadership of organizations.

What's left?   I'm a single aging man and I want respect from myself, and from any one I meet for the rest of my life.  I desire the respect I was not afforded by my lying cheating life partner.

I value that I never shortchanged anyone, screwed any one, cheated anyone, and that I met all my debts and obligations.  I built two businesses and only had one layoff (in 2001, during that crash).

I also turn my back on the testosterone-laden militaristic states on this worried globe. Israel and the US and Russia hurt more people in a second than I have in my entire life.  Who puts bombs in pagers?  Who plots to make Castro's beard depilate or sends the CIA in to run proxy wars in Laos?  Who poisons people as they stroll with their daughter through the streets of London?

Who approves funding for a CIA or Mossad or KGB?  If it’s secret, it’s because you’re embarrassed.  If it can’t be disclosed to your lowest citizen, you should not be doing it.  I should not be paying for it with my taxes  

No government and no country that I respect funds lies as a central part of their daily operations..

 

 

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