Emotional waves of a storm-tossed sea
I woke up from a dream (I was the speaker at my high school reunion and I decided to skip the event to walk alone through a new city alone).
I think I was triggered in this melancholy dream of displacement and loss by more evidence that my ex never loved me.
Very anti social dream. As if there's nothing for me here. I had a chance in the dream to sleep with a woman from my graduating class but I left and wandered the streets talking to strangers.
I have a sense that I simply can't cope or keep up anymore, and connection will never be available to me. I signed up for social security retirement benefits starting next year when I'm 70. The governnents's webpages and 800 numbers are obsolete and unmanned—the perfect message to say "we'll send you some dollars if you can navigate the bugs and technology design errors, but you're useless and we hope you'll die soon and leave us alone.."
I was scared, but not excessively so. I had an edible before I went to bed and those often contribute to dreams that are shallow and simplistic. Dreams that reflect my state of mind with barely altered metaphors like children's picture books.
Dreams that confirm that the daily kindnesses I receive from relative strangers will not save me.
I'm sad now in the early hours because I had a reasonably decent day yesterday and functioned at a few tasks and some activities related to business, but that didn't contribute to the grand emotions.
Perhaps I need to drop edibles too, like everything else. My goals are numbness and escape, not joy. This is medicinal—avoiding the truth that I'm broken and have no resources for recovery. And avoiding the truth that my abusive marriage was loveless and a colossal failure that met none of my vital needs. Ever. Just a: silly pitstop by a selfish little girl who had nowhere else to land, and lived paraditically while she waited for the next Joan of Arc to fill her up.
I think I was triggered in this melancholy dream of displacement and loss by more evidence that my ex never loved me.
Very anti social dream. As if there's nothing for me here. I had a chance in the dream to sleep with a woman from my graduating class but I left and wandered the streets talking to strangers.
I have a sense that I simply can't cope or keep up anymore, and connection will never be available to me. I signed up for social security retirement benefits starting next year when I'm 70. The governnents's webpages and 800 numbers are obsolete and unmanned—the perfect message to say "we'll send you some dollars if you can navigate the bugs and technology design errors, but you're useless and we hope you'll die soon and leave us alone.."
I was scared, but not excessively so. I had an edible before I went to bed and those often contribute to dreams that are shallow and simplistic. Dreams that reflect my state of mind with barely altered metaphors like children's picture books.
Dreams that confirm that the daily kindnesses I receive from relative strangers will not save me.
I'm sad now in the early hours because I had a reasonably decent day yesterday and functioned at a few tasks and some activities related to business, but that didn't contribute to the grand emotions.
Perhaps I need to drop edibles too, like everything else. My goals are numbness and escape, not joy. This is medicinal—avoiding the truth that I'm broken and have no resources for recovery. And avoiding the truth that my abusive marriage was loveless and a colossal failure that met none of my vital needs. Ever. Just a: silly pitstop by a selfish little girl who had nowhere else to land, and lived paraditically while she waited for the next Joan of Arc to fill her up.
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