Collaborative Family Law: Pretty Much the Bottom of the Barrel

I've had the nagging ulcer of experiencing collaborative divorce law up close.

 

What do you think of when you hear the term "collaborative?"

 

Send me your thoughts, but to me, collaboration implies:

• Creative energetic types, full of goodwill
• Face to face conversations about complex topics to come to the best mutual solution
• Celebrations or at least high fives regarding successful and even fun joint resolutions
• Finishing any process efficiently and timely…

 

Let me assure you, if you take a Vaccation with Arcos and Mandrea, you will not witness any of these spectacles.

 

These are characteristics of family law mediation, which I also witnessed.   3.25 hours (and $8k) to resolve 99% of the four assets I shared with my ex-wife.

 

The other 14,250 hours and $300,000 fucked everything up, including the final 1%.

 

Here are some miracles from Vaca-Land.

 

• For two years, I never saw my ex, we never sat around a table chatting, and we never discussed a single topic unless four lawyers were involved.  This is an amateur version of tin cans with string.
• Any time there was a disagreement, the answer was "that's not my memory of the 3 hours with the Judge."  I don't think "collaboration" and "negotiation" have anything in common, and neither do collaborative family lawyers.  They have only one gear: "whoever has the money is a crook, thief, and old white guy not worthy of respect."
• Collaborative lawyers love hyperbole.  I've never seen more words like "grave" and "unacceptable" and "enforcement."  Can you imagine these as guideline phrases for a company that advertises itself as collaborative.
• None of the work these morons do is binding.  I'm half a million dollars into this criminality and we could throw all the work out tomorrow and have to start from scratch.
• Lawyers, generally, prefer words, and are poor at math.  Statistically speaking.  If you include collaborative family lawyers, you're well into the bottom decile on the math SAT's. It cost me $21,000 and two months of my life to negotiate a $1400 expense (despite the fact that I said "this is ridiculous" and asked my lawyer to give the lousy $1400 to them and move on the first time it surfaced.  Meanwhile, the $4.9 million due to my ex in the settlement agreement sat dormant.  Month after month after month.
• Like many lawyers—perhaps 41%--collaborative lawyers spend a lot of time talking about how they're the cleverest people ever! And feminist and fighting for the oppressed masses.  This means they have to sit and listen to the crap of narcissistic millionaire women like my ex. And smile.  And ignore someone truly radical, unique, smart, and loving. 

 

Me.  David L. Foster.  Me.  You Don't Know Me, but you do know my ex-wife.  Look how she treated me, with your embarrassing assistance.  Beware any client referrals you get from her.  Avoid collaboration with them at all costs!