It makes sense I prefer to be alone
I've enjoyed a lot of social, volunteer, and business communities in which partnership, equality, and collaboration were the essential values. The process was as much fun as the accomplishments of these rich groups.
Similarly my first marriage.
Whew. Then I fucked up! I wasted 30 years with a paranoid whacko. A woman so terrified of losing the spotlight she sought out the smallest stages possible year after year and begrudged anyone who succeeded outside her black box rental world.
A woman who resented my communities and belittled my love.
It makes sense that I'm overly protective of my space now. And my cat! I know that I can only change the rules of my life, and build a new model of self appreciation, with impermeable boundaries.
I don't want any of the friendships from my past. These party people saw and somewhat understood the wartime footing of my entire marriage and never evidenced a drip of empathy or understanding. Cerebral egotists all watching themselves in their own mirrors.
I miss having a woman in my life I could care for. To know a true companion is safer because you're working together, even if there's no safety or love (and daily derision so so frequently) to be had in return.
God my ex was a heartless, cruel, self-absorbed weakling. I failed to support her. You can't fill and infinite hole of empty anxiety, and my marital victories and accomplishments were rarer than her successes.
It makes sense that we failed together from day one. It makes sense that her failures were smaller and damaged fewer people while she was with me.
It makes sense that I need to be alone now, protecting and learning to treasure myself for the first time. I can ghost you too. And still not ever let you forget what you've done out of your blind arrogance and petty fear. I will highlight your incapacity to comprehend fine emotions, transcendent and sublime beauty, and meaningful accomplishment. This activity costs me nothing. I owe you nothing.
This also makes sense. I have nothing left for you but a broken heart and some very strong protective walls to keep your greedy unaccomplished hands off my body. You never touched my spirit since you never cared to look for it while you were shitting on us all.
Similarly my first marriage.
Whew. Then I fucked up! I wasted 30 years with a paranoid whacko. A woman so terrified of losing the spotlight she sought out the smallest stages possible year after year and begrudged anyone who succeeded outside her black box rental world.
A woman who resented my communities and belittled my love.
It makes sense that I'm overly protective of my space now. And my cat! I know that I can only change the rules of my life, and build a new model of self appreciation, with impermeable boundaries.
I don't want any of the friendships from my past. These party people saw and somewhat understood the wartime footing of my entire marriage and never evidenced a drip of empathy or understanding. Cerebral egotists all watching themselves in their own mirrors.
I miss having a woman in my life I could care for. To know a true companion is safer because you're working together, even if there's no safety or love (and daily derision so so frequently) to be had in return.
God my ex was a heartless, cruel, self-absorbed weakling. I failed to support her. You can't fill and infinite hole of empty anxiety, and my marital victories and accomplishments were rarer than her successes.
It makes sense that we failed together from day one. It makes sense that her failures were smaller and damaged fewer people while she was with me.
It makes sense that I need to be alone now, protecting and learning to treasure myself for the first time. I can ghost you too. And still not ever let you forget what you've done out of your blind arrogance and petty fear. I will highlight your incapacity to comprehend fine emotions, transcendent and sublime beauty, and meaningful accomplishment. This activity costs me nothing. I owe you nothing.
This also makes sense. I have nothing left for you but a broken heart and some very strong protective walls to keep your greedy unaccomplished hands off my body. You never touched my spirit since you never cared to look for it while you were shitting on us all.
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