The Long Road Out

I assumed that those I loved or befriended would be generally sensitive to my interests. Certainly it never occurred to me that anyone I shared a meal with (using that as a proxy for acquaintance) would leave the table and act in was which I interpret as "hate." I appreciate that I have been privileged and fortunate enough to hang on to this childish and child-like innocence. I live in a country that elected Trump and a world that allowed Pol Pot. I have witnessed hate-filled narcissism up close. A cliche of the wellness industry is that we learn from our mistakes. We grow from our pain. I personally think these sentiments are a crock of shit. I don't see posters with those words in hospices. Or in the rubble of the houses of the poor that have been destroyed, along with the inhabitant families, by US drones. That being said, I got screwed royally by my ex-wife for decades, and never fought back. I never protected what was deeply mine. I shared with a ...

Probably best to not vacation in Lebanon or Yemen at the moment, or not have citizenship while residing in the United States. But, if you own stock or have private capital, the markets have already priced in the good news that neither of our Dillard political parties have a single radical change in their platforms. Stocks are going up because there is less risk to your money the closer we get to Election Day. Look at it this way. Elon Musk said he preferred Trump. Can you name a single coherent policy Trump has that might have motivated this mighty whacko Tesla dude to support him? Similarly, name a policy that the Democratic Party has that would make an ounce of difference to a trillionaire. The answer is it makes no difference to him. And even if your net worth is in the less lofty range and you're white and have TSA clearance—let's say $15,000,000 like mine used to be—financially the November election is meaningless. Buy Meta! Sell Apple! Invest in your own b...

My ex invited me to her short story reading in NYC without telling me that she was going to read something she had newly written that borrowed extensively from a small argument we'd had while in Provence. I was embarrassed and hurt and could not understand why, as a routine courtesy, she hadn't told me beforehand. Perhaps I would have skipped the reading rather than facing the confusion of our friends who attended as they witnessed the fact that I didn't know anything about my wife's work. My ex responded to my upset questions afterwards, on the street outside the book store, with the Narcissts Prayer—it didn't happen, if it did it was meaningless, and if it wasn't I deserved it. She never evidenced concern for my feelings again after that date in 2010. Perhaps not before, either, but I can't remember specifics where she dismissed my pain as "silly" or "wrong." She left me for six months in 2012 during the period when my d...

You fucking moron. Eat the ashes. Look at what ou would have had if you weren't a witch.

It's ok to be single. It's ok to be crazy. It's ok to not move if the urge to stop is what matters the most. It's ok to say no to obligations. Be as clear as you can. The truth is kind to others always. So sayeth Bremen Brown do it must be true!

One. Ghosting and lying and disrespecting me and so many others. You. Myself. I get angry at myself for abandoning the project of protecting myself from you. In my defense, you dump anyone who says "this is not working for me." You insult them. You talk over them. You ignore them. It's a lot of meanness and harassment to endure. Easier to just shrug off your selfishness and very bad manners and try to find safe spaces beyond your purview. You are not a safe space. You have a grudge against the world and never stop trying to get more than your share as if we owe you more than you already stole, gloating and smirking at the world at your perfidy. Aren't we stupid! The nice people who don't try to take you down. Particularly those who loved you. Makes you sick to think of us, right? How do you sleep? Does it make sense to me that I'm angry at you and suspect I will be until you pass into the dustbin? You won't know because you a...

I continue to be angry that my ex stayed with me, presumably because she couldn't get any one else interested, for 30 years.   She did not respect me.  She did not like me.  She was not interested in my life or my wellbeing.   My family didn't like her, either.  Her own parents were overwhelmed by the time I met them.   It was hell, looking back.  We did lots of things and had faux friends and belonged to a book club.  We traveled and hosted lots of dinners.  We absorbed tons of culture (I did anyway.  My ex "scanned" culture like it was a NYNEX ticker tap.) I think she was also disgusted with me...she may have been lesbian and not known it. Imagine getting in bed with a penis all those years! No wonder she fell asleep early and turned her back.  I doubt she knows what she is now. Or more likely she does have some self-understanding.  I'd be the last to know.  I didn't understand who she was for three decades, and she's il...

 I've got one.  It's kind of a wreck and there aren't any good memories there.  I can't remember one.  I feel like the place is chained to my neck and I'll never be free.  The apartment and the time I wasted there are crushing me.  I'm sick of my old home and I need to get rid of it. I used to host groups of people there.  They weren't friends.  They just wanted food or whatever.   The furniture is stuffy and stupid, and I made a bunch of design decisions that no one other than me liked. I can throw all that shit out.  It won't be in your way. Actually, my ex-wife made most of those decisions herself, in the end.  She didn't listen very much to me. I hate the place.  The maintenance is $6000 a month.  Wasted money.  It's just an old building. Pipes break all the time.  A lot of them have been replaced now after leaks. It has a nice roof deck.  I liked it up there.  I was coop board president when I fina...

A new speed record was set on the AT this last week.  Here's the description from Run:   One of the most grueling records in American endurance sports fell late Saturday night in northern Georgia. Tara Dower, a 31-year-old ultrarunner and long-distance hiker born in North Carolina and based in Virginia, reached Georgia's Springer Mountain, the southern terminus of the  Appalachian Trail , at 11:53 P.M. She completed the arduous southern thru-hike of the iconic trail, crossing 14 states and 2,197 miles, in 40 days, 18 hours, and 5 minutes. It's the fastest known time for hiking the iconic trail in either direction. Her finishing time cleaves approximately 13 hours off the 2018 benchmark set by Belgian runner Karel Sabbe, who in 2018 hiked the trail from south to north. It also returns the overall   record to a woman for the first time since 2015, when Scott Jurek eclipsed  Jennifer Pharr Davis' then-record  by only three hours.   ...

In 2012, I saw my marriage as broken in the sense that I had no idea what my wife and partner was thinking.  She seemed to be making atrocious (or at a minimum careless and rude) decisions, and then she showed up like a wet cat.   In 2022 and 23, I was simply in shock.  I suffered severe trauma.    Now, I see that the marriage, and perhaps my ex, were irretrievably broken and flawed from the day we met in 1994.  There was no hope for a happy relationship because   We were mismatched There was not a strong sexual attraction on either side Neither of us had ever solved a serious dispute, and suddenly that was our entire life.   The relationship lasted because of my generosity and meager, yet effective, efforts to cope with increasing cycles of narcissistic  exploitation.  I was one victim but not even the prime one, until the end.   Grieving is much easier when you realize what you loved never existed in t...

I got the bills and a bunch of assets no one wants. You got polyamory for 45 minutes or whatever. I got loneliness. You got Addison's Disease. God. Two useless meaningless humans. One with a huge heart.

 Here's one of ten or fifteen liberal fundraising emails I received over night.  This one's over the name of Ken Burns, and is from MoveOn/ActBlue--but any third grader could replace the first dependent clause and this message could have come from my barista or hair stylist. David,  As a documentary filmmaker, I have long attempted to tell the American story. I look at the larger picture. I try to place things in context.  American democracy is fragile. We must be vigilant and respect, defend, and improve the institutions that define who we are.  This is among the most critical elections in our country’s history. It’s about our future and the health of our democracy. We must elect Kamala Harris as our next President -- and I hope you’ll join me in supporting her with a donation of $25 right now: I sincerely hope no one responds to this uninspired fear-based marketing copy. Our democracy is already a joke.  Our constitution failed, hoisted on the states righ...

Let's start with the most fundamentalist: the US and its addiction to bible thumping Christianity. Until these institutions that support our religious shadow government pay taxes, they should not have a vote or a voice. (The Catholic Church in the US probably needs a deferment...most of it is in bankruptcy currently.) The rest—India at its worst, Israel as a poster child, the conservative Muslim nations—classic examples of prejudicial, us vs them politics promised on the continuation of the elect abusing the damned. All based on the same fairy tales. All militarized. All tax-free. Leaving people like me to pay the bill for their wars and flawed economic policies and their eternal under classes. Shame on the religious leaders in the US. I do not respect your views. I do not respect your literature. I do not respect the selfish self-dealing of your formal institutions. Your prayers hurt me financially, morally, and esthetically. Religion is the opiate of the wealthy. The ...

So many ways I identified myself are meaningless to me now.  I don't do them and I have no sense of nostalgia, or desire to rekindle anything. For instance: Sex, including masturbation. Athleticism.  Workouts are about companionship.  I have no companions (my cat does not need Crossfit or cold plunges). Fiction.  Streaming TV.  Movies.  Blech. Women as best friends.  I don't understand why I was attracted, now that I’ve experienced the trauma of a false marriage. (I’m out of traditional genders to reject  I gave up on men as best friends as a kid.) A social community. Coaches of any sort, and, even worse, those who think "holding space" is a helping profession.  (These are ways to get money out of your friends.  Nothing more.  Read Cervantes if you want to understand your own life.  Don't waste it on a life coach who hasn't ever had a successful relationship and can't carry on a conversation unless they're runn...

Hard pill to swallow and I no longer have any evidence of her capacity to love or nurture or care. Especially for me. Using her own angry words—first she preferred women sexually. Then she didn't love me. She left for affairs (Phoenix, Montreal, others?) as soon as someone said she was beautiful. These lasted less than a month as far as I know—" people are mean" she once said to me after she got dumped by a polyamorous date. But her infantile ego needs cause me a universe of hurt. I badly misunderstood her. Her outbursts and rejection and dismissals always seemed non-contextual to me—mini panic attacks that always infected our companionship. I'm sorry about that. I now see that she was never happy with me, so her outbursts weren't about isolated incidents—they were part of her massive dissatisfaction and exhaustion that came out when she was micro-frustrated, tired, or more bored with me than normal. I lived in my world of denial for 28 years. ...

 I know you don’t intend to be cruel.  You just are. I know you don’t intend to know better than everyone else.  Too bad that’s the way you are, because you’re wrong and it’s really unattractive. Everyone sees it.  I know you believe other people deserve to be insulted and ignored by you. They don’t. You certainly deserve the people who gave ghosted you.  I know you think I’m angry.  Why would that make sense?  That I do did drugs and drank. Why do you think I did those? I know you’re incapable of change. I watched your 5-year-old self repeat her pattern over and over again. Even today. You have grown smaller and hurt yourself as well, shortening the lives and health of humans and cats and likely others. 

I woke up from a dream (I was the speaker at my high school reunion and I decided to skip the event to walk alone through a new city alone). I think I was triggered in this melancholy dream of displacement and loss by more evidence that my ex never loved me. Very anti social dream. As if there's nothing for me here. I had a chance in the dream to sleep with a woman from my graduating class but I left and wandered the streets talking to strangers. I have a sense that I simply can't cope or keep up anymore, and connection will never be available to me. I signed up for social security retirement benefits starting next year when I'm 70. The governnents's webpages and 800 numbers are obsolete and unmanned—the perfect message to say "we'll send you some dollars if you can navigate the bugs and technology design errors, but you're useless and we hope you'll die soon and leave us alone.." I was scared, but not excessively so. I had an edi...

I've had the nagging ulcer of experiencing collaborative divorce law up close.   What do you think of when you hear the term "collaborative?"   Send me your thoughts, but to me, collaboration implies: Creative energetic types, full of goodwill Face to face conversations about complex topics to come to the best mutual solution Celebrations or at least high fives regarding successful and even fun joint resolutions Finishing any process efficiently and timely…   Let me assure you, if you take a Vaccation with Arcos and Mandrea, you will not witness any of these spectacles.   These are characteristics of family law mediation , which I also witnessed.   3.25 hours (and $8k) to resolve 99% of the four assets I shared with my ex-wife.   The other 14,250 hours and $300,000 fucked everything up, including the final 1%.   Here are some miracles from Vaca-Land.   For two years, I never saw my ex, we never sat aroun...

I've only been full-on angry with one person in my life…my ex-wife.   I'm proud of myself for that, and while I have no self-esteem left, anger management is one place where I know I've done well.   I wish I'd been faster and more precise in my anger toward her.  I wish I hadn't repressed all the anger about the hurtful, disdainful and abusive stunts she pulled.    She's ghosted me for three years this time around.  Narcissists know this is the only way to protect themselves from the truth—that they regularly cause pain to others and don't give a damn.  

I've enjoyed a lot of social, volunteer, and business communities in which partnership, equality, and collaboration were the essential values. The process was as much fun as the accomplishments of these rich groups. Similarly my first marriage. Whew. Then I fucked up! I wasted 30 years with a paranoid whacko. A woman so terrified of losing the spotlight she sought out the smallest stages possible year after year and begrudged anyone who succeeded outside her black box rental world. A woman who resented my communities and belittled my love. It makes sense that I'm overly protective of my space now. And my cat! I know that I can only change the rules of my life, and build a new model of self appreciation, with impermeable boundaries. I don't want any of the friendships from my past. These party people saw and somewhat understood the wartime footing of my entire marriage and never evidenced a drip of empathy or understanding. Cerebral egotists all watc...

My ex really was flawed…deeply…and she made a mess of nearly every situation she entered.  Since she's been ghosting me again for the last three years (including for three months when she showed up on my doorstep again and continued to lie and act out) I can only imagine what she's fucking up now.  I feel empathy for people I don't know in a location I don't know who I'll never meet.  They're my peeps…if I met them as strangers I'm sure we could compare notes on trauma and shock and the shame of betrayal.   We won't get fooled again, though I did so many times that I sacrificed every last drop of my self-esteem.  Running on empty…   I look back on our history together and, now that I'm part of her discard pile, am not entitled to treatment similar to how you'd treat a faulty sewerage system, I have a pretty clear picture of a sociopath.  I see her terror and loss and awareness that she could not understand normal human attachment....

I keep anticipating a call from my text apologizing for all those fights she started, and her profound confidence that she was always right. I don't blame her—she was undiagnosed with Addisons disease, which causes the adrenal gland to produce fight or flight chemicals. Unmedicated (I assume she's taking meds now) the ill person sees every interaction as a threat. I was her best friend and she appeared to be terrified of me. She fawned over any one new she met, and plotted against all of those closest to her. With her family, the result was long absences, hair-trigger nastiness, and a manic belief that others with needs intended harm. My experience of living with my ex is that her biochemical illness began to manifest in 2010, though she didnt begin treatment until 2023 when related symptoms (toxic levels of potassium) caused her to black out and evidence chronic fatigue. I believe she ended up in the hospital for a long time. My guess is I won't ever receive ...

I usually find a lack of information causes anxiety.  I tend to fill in blanks with the worst possible narrative, and I think this is a pretty common human response. That's why humans are genetically xenophobic.   I don't know a thing about my ex-wife except she's non-responsive.   I imagine she never thinks of me, after 30 years of being my partner, and she actively enjoys hurting me.  I think she probably gets off sexually on other people's pain…she was having an affair with a dominatrix from Fetlife the last time we had sex years ago.   The dominatrix appeared to be love-bombing my ex.  She's a sucker for "you're the best student in class" and "you're sexy" and "let's fuck." Moreso than I ever was, anyway.    

It's been so long since I was happy…I don't think I remember how it feels or how to get there…   I feel like others are happy sometimes and it's difficult to be near them.  They must worry about me and understand that I'm fragile and easily bruised and disoriented.   People probably think I'm weird, if they notice me at all.   And my tennis game is useless.  Why even try anything with balance or grace.  Yesterday I fell down on the court.  Now that I think of it, that was the first symptom of the lymphoma that quickly took my dad away from me.   A few windows or moments of happiness.  Of love.  Of connection.  With anything.  Why does it make sense that I can't have those things for myself?  I assume it's simply the reality of PTSD and depression.  Only morons think damaged people like me should just "get up and go for a bike ride and get over it."   There's no getting over this.  There's the...

My ex is not a nice person. Based on what i saw when we weee together, she's stubborn too. Once she makes up her mind she doesn't back down. She also has defective fight or flight biochemistry, which I believe now is why she always had a foot out of the door. This withdrawal pattern infuriated me. I knew my ex was a person who didn't fight fair or logically, and who had a pathological need to protect her own story at any cost. So many times I saw her explain how she knew others better than they knew themselves, always to the victim's great disadvantage. Now I'm one of that victim pile, known to my old community as a cocaine addict and absent sexual partner. I fared the worst of all of my ex's victims. I'm starting to recover. PTSD and depression warned me of danger for years, but also impaired me. Quoting my therapist, "why does this make sense?" It makes sense that I have these trauma-induced health issues because I lived in gasl...

It's been so long I don't trust myself to know whether the kind version of you ever existed. I know it doesn't any more. I heard you speak six words this week—the first I've heard in years. Happy people don't have vocal fry. You do. You can hear the shame through the raspiness. The path to love is lonely for the builders of the broken heart road, Sonny Landreth sang. You don't sound like you know the path OR the road. You're still focused on single track gear ratios. Right where we started and where we ended. You are too ADHD to listen to lyrics, or to live with any emotion. Quick—give me 1-10 on shame. Don't injure yourself making up something you know nothing about, Mina. When you discover the door to grieving, you will explode like a terrorist pager.

What a life! Am I still human? Or just the fumes of an instantaneous spark of energy?

The last time we discussed sex, you exclaimed "I've always been bisexual." You cited the one time in 30 years you said " if you die, I'd probably live with a woman." It that's bisexual, I understand why lesbians own cats. Anyway, frequent sex was so central to your ability to function that I can't imagine you aren't having tons of very satisfying sex at a rate of at least 4x per week. That's good, and certainly explains why you blame me and others for your miserable and oppressed life other than 2012, 2022, and 2023 forward. Have you found some lesbians you can rationally talk about your needs with? I mean without those tension lines ossifying around your eyes. What have you learned? That more people are spending every minute of their life plotting to deny you the sex you deserve? Imagine if I had the time for that! I would have sexually robbed you blind! As it as, I did spend a lot of time trying to retain a hint of ...

You're older now than I was when you dumped me the first time in 2012! How does that feel? You're old! I slept with a bunch of people I wasn't attracted to in 2012. I was that far into PTSD.  I was always attracted to you even though I knew you were small and not capable of grandness or success. But we felt like a team. To me.  I believe I know that you never felt that way, and would never admit it if you did.  That you cared for someone.   I am too old and too depressed to be on a team now. And you're now in the years where all the wheels fall off, as I was after 2012.  It's gonna get worse. I can tell you that from your future. We will be partners again in pain, after the party ends for you too.  I'll be 82 when you're my current age!   You will get schooled by life. You soon will not be able to get off some couch somewhere. So pick a couch you really like. Call it David. Think of me when you absolutely cannot get up.  I will be loving y...

It's ok. I accept. I had a family. It was damaged and broken but it was mine. (Probably not ours. I'll never know. I'm more likely to get updates from my dead parents than my gaslighting wife.) I'm a childless cat lady. I have Ceci and I'm cat sitting for MM. Both are wrapped around me as I doze off. Ceci is purring as is frequently the case. MM is on his back, extended, a mile long. I don't know if my anti-depressants are helping. I know I could be worse and frequently have been. I feel abused and unfairly treated. I feel worried, about my future alone. There isn't a lot to distinguish one day from the next. Some work meetings but they don't really matter to me, nor do they make much difference in the great scheme. That sounds British. Like my dad Allan Foster. From Wednesbury. And Bristol. And Darien. And Schenectady. My dad. With his handsome smile! I died my hair a little darker last night. Something to do. Light ash brown. A ...

Part of grieving is to release the past and focus on the future. A complicated mental, spiritual, epigenerational and even physical process. If I had friends they'd probably gently suggest I wasn't doing particularly well at letting go of my disastrous marriage. Here are my excuses— 1. If I forget, it will be gone. My ex doesn't give a shit. My community is lost. Our homes have been traded. Our remaining pet died. We have no mutual family. Yet the last 30 years were the best parts of my life. How do I resolve my desire that they not be lost forever? 2. Similarly, I am now clear that I was the victim of spousal abuse, subject to theft, serial gaslighting, lying, and the entire range of demeaning behaviors. All the narcissistic personality disorder traits. The desire for justice is hurting me, I know. Love is not just nor fair. Still—someone needs to stay alive to identify the perps? 3. I was happy and healthy then. I'm depressed, weak, tired and impaired now...

I was taking a break from some work stuff and listening to the big drops on the metal roof when once again the thought popped into my mind that my ex was a complete fraud. We're selling our NyC apt and she's on a joint email either me and our three brokers. She refuses to respond to me in the group. It's like the episode where Lucy and Ricky get in an argument from back in the 60's. We're making decisions that impact half a million dollars in value. Maybe my ex is 3D now. Real. Possessing value. Stranger things have happened!

Here's the first, from Cyndi Lauper, referencing the loss of her friends to the early AIDS scourge…but also a beautiful end-of-love ode:   "Time After Time" Lying in my bed, I hear the clock tick and think of you Caught up in circles, confusion is nothing new Flashback, warm nights almost left behind Suitcase of memories, time after... Sometimes you picture me, I'm walking too far ahead You're calling to me, I can't hear what you've said Then you say, "Go slow", I fall behind The second hand unwinds If you're lost, you can look and you will find me Time after time If you fall, I will catch you, I'll be waiting Time after time If you're lost, you can look and you will find me Time after time If you fall, I will catch you, I'll be waiting (I will be waiting) Time after time After my picture fades and darkness has turned to gray Watching through windows, you're wondering if I...

I've noticed that it's no less expensive to live single than it is to live in a couple. My food budget is higher somehow—largely due to this inflationary round I'd guess. But still. Utilities are the same. Taxes are worse because my ex never had any income. Now she does but doesn't withhold. I don't think she knows that you're supposed to. And I pay her $10,000 a month post-tax in maintenance—a new expense for me that's half of my post-tax income. Maybe you can pick up the bill the next time we have a meal together. You can learn to do that for others if we never share a morsel again. Or how about a small gift—something for the house?—as thanks for supporting you for 30 years and sharing ownership of my company and all of the cash we got from my parents' gifts and estate. For listing you as the 100% beneficiary of our wills even though you had your secret hand in our joint cookie jar and shared your half of our assets with nieces and...

Who are you stranger? You are so meaningless. Your voice is old and harsh. Do you have a personality? Are you still alive in there somewhere? Is anything connected to a web of emotion or do you now contain only an on-off switch. Have you ever read your own operating manual? Does the jettison button still operate? Is it red like your hair coloring, or grey?

I love that look for you! I'm a crazy cat lady. Me and Taylor Swift!

I still think of times in my life when I was part of a couple and thought I was happy and fulfilled. I know I was living a lie. I actually was being judged, found lacking, and punished most of the time. I suppose if this is your life, you adjust, and the moon appears to be the sun. Ah well. Sadly this seems preferable to living in my dark cave.

Definitely my tawdry marriage with my lovely egomaniac! I spent my whole time with her doing props, backstage, getting no notice except what I could find in the wings when she wasn't onstage. My  battle with this cypher yielded as much warmth as any love/hate relationship with a hotel lobby armchair or, say, a kitchen mixer.  Never mind trying to justify her mysterious ethics and relentless self-advocacy, which created our rhythm of unstated conflict. I was not the only target of her attacks. I've apologized here many times to those I watched her carelessly damage.  (I just heard her voice on a phone call half an hour ago...first time in 18 months.  Made my blood run cold and I left the call while she spoke, so I empathize about how she feels about me. I wonder if I sound as old and stressed on the phone as she does.  I don't sense the stress thanks to Zoloft, so I guess I just sound old and sad, which would be how I feel.) Second:  Maybe the last five y...

Such powerful words. I wish I had them years ago. All the dismissive and incorrect and selfish and silly and fraudulent and intentionally mean and dangerous and stupid and careless/thoughtless behavior I've put up with. The unrepentant and unconscious and snarky and elitist and condescending and affected and clearly insane behaviors.  The behaviors not informed by my trauma.  The gross and mutually damaging. The hateful. The hypocritical.    No more. No more. Today this ends. Me and my cat. We are our own family and I won't let trash like this in the door ever again. Tuesday is trash pickup day here. Mid morning. Good riddance to the garbage. This—all of this—this is NOT working for me. I'm not sure I give a shit about your problems, but I'll try to listen unless you're making an ass out of yourself again.

I've had several conversations recently, one with my therapist which was the most practical, about the simple power of: 1. Recognizing and expressing that "this isn't working for me," and 2. Realizing that people who love you will never guess what you need correctly so you must be clear in your own mind what would meet your needs. Only then can you reach the state of finding common solutions rather than triggering fight or flight disasters. Sometimes these are shockingly easy—say a workplace dispute where the rules are clear. Sometimes they're much more complicated. My ex wife has malfunctioning adrenals, so her fight or flight biochemistry is always "on." Cortisol's a bitch. She is not capable of this sort of complex mutual, equal interaction herself, though her job involves teaching others how to "hold space" for psychonaut versions of these exercises. Don't say "this is not working for me" to my ex, ...

It's becoming increasingly rare but I try to go out for dinner still, just to be around people. I really like my own simple meals better but everyone needs some variety.  My ex describes me as an angry coke addict crossdresser who intentionally denies her sex.  I am not worthy of her attention or response.    I look at this picture and see a gentle lonely heartbroken unnoticed man.  The waiter took this picture, with thanks.  All the colors match! I see someone who survived on very little love and can't risk the pain of being ignored by anyone else in his lifetime.  A kind man who got dumped three times for half years at a time by a narcissist and is still walking and standing on his own two feet at age 69. (My ex expected that she could repeat the same behavior over and over again and get a different response.  Not a quick study, that one!) Someone who is out of cash!  Reminder I need to apply for social security ...

I have to go to a conference tomorrow for two nights. I'm leaving my cat alone. Ceci is so much more important to me than the conference. I feel terrible leaving. What a faithful loving friend. She has earned and deserves my full attention and care. Sorry loved one. I'll rush back.

https://a.co/9hRHhpd

For so long I woke up every morning hopeful about the project of the day and glad to be who and where I was. 28 years with a gaslighting narcissist can really fuck you up! In her good days she was disappointed and demeaning. On most of the days she was disdainful and aloof. Disappointed when we had sex. Disdainful and bitter when we didn't. Unable to understand why I had any interests other than servicing her and receiving her criticisms Many experts claim that narcissists hate themselves. I don't think that's explains anything about the violence of living with one. They align with the radical right in one key way—they don't care about their happiness or yours. They will harm anyone who appears to be moving ahead of them. When they have pain they will ruin their own life until they are certain yours is worse.

I didn't think lifelong Allie's ghosted each other. But then I realize my ex never likes me. More likely she was just stuck and couldn't find anyone else to say she was beautiful. She used to tell me that lots of people thought she was sexy. She was probably sleeping with them. The three times I know about she left within 24 hours. As far as I know those sexual relations never lasted more than a month. My ex would come back when she got desperate, in 2012 and 2022 for example—but she was mean, condescending, and dismissive. So there are so many words that are important to me that I never heard from my ex. Thank you being the main one. I'm sorry being another. Is there anything I can do to help. I would die with joy if I ever heard that phrase that has been denied to me my entire life. A real equal partnership. I would have been so happy if I had experienced that, just once. Maybe with Melanie for a bit. She was nice, and cared for others inc...

The endless burden of sadness. Add that to spiritual exhaustion and you've got permanent horizontal living. I can't get up. I can't sit up. Holding my iPhone is so impossible. I'm supposed to go to an airport soon to go somewhere. I'm not going. What difference would it make. And I don't want yo be around others who appear to have plans or hopes or business to attend to. I don't have any of those. I feel silly and anonymous getting on a plane.

Usually the first thought on my mind is self hate. I'm working hard to fight back against that with a ritual of apology and correction. I promise myself I will never use harsh words against myself, and when I fail I apologize to myself, and to the 5 year old inside me. Second something from my dreams or some other thought reminds me of the fraudulent liar I lived with for 28 years. Or more likely the hypocritical piece of shit. The fact that I had no one to care for me—the fact that it didn't matter if she was present or ghosting me—I knew I was unloved every second of every day. Resented for any happiness I could find with friends or through work. I don't bother to correct this crap. It's sickening but it's my life. And she's still out there somewhere. Deceiving others. Stealing from them. Giving nothing back as they applaud her daily performance. Painted red like an accident scene. Pleasureless. Hiding. Plotting what she can get and who her ...

A year ago you were in Truckee glued to a couch. You wrote about your depression, but you went for a bike ride. Here's what real depression is, my shallow diving novice. I've lived here full time for a year. I haven't been on the trails once. I moved the couch back the way I like it in March. That was a big day. I don't feel better. My meds don't work. Psychedelics are a joke against the real deal. If you're still doing that work and you don't know this, you should stop. Your relationship didn't fail. It succeeded better than anything else you've done. Because of me. You were shit the whole time! Me, me, me, me. You can't have depression. You haven't a clue. You are insulting the traumatized. The gaslighted. The attacked. The sexually abused like me.

Trump accused Biden of not firing anyone as if that was weakness. I have fired a few people in my work life. Not so much in my personal life. I guess my ex Mina agrees with Don. She fired me in 2012. Then I was allowed to stay as long as I earned all the money, on probation. But she's fired dozens—some of whom don't even know she cut them off. They just think she's selfish, rude, and not very smart. Others like Doron definitely got the message. You're my brother, Doron. It would be ok but Mina's violence and certainty that others deserve punishment (she just ghosts and ignores to save herself exposure to shame or embarrassment) is gaslighting. It ruins good people. I doubt I will live with another person again because I don't trust women any more. I had my mom, Melanie, Lucretia and many more. It only takes one bad Canadian apple and you're fucked for romance. I can't imagine sex either after that horrid debasing abuse for ...

Kamala did great but 70 minutes of psychotic narcissism turned my stomach. I left the gathering, came home, and crawled into bed with my cat. I doubt it will matter via a vis the election but it matters to listen to his hatred and know so many sick white men think Donald Trump is their Messiah. These Trump soldiers are primarily silly armed white men who no enlightened country can afford to have as voting citizens. I agree with Trump that I think the US is a laughingstock.  Half of us have been apologizing since Nixon. Many since Andrew Jackson.  Our nation is an endless Trail of Tears for those who live here, and an endless closed gate for those who have nowhere to go (Polish Jews?  That was a real high point of the US.)  I love “they never fire anyone” and the whole “immigrants kill and eat dogs” (this from a meat eater) stuff except as always, he sounds pathological and criminally racist to me…and we know half the country is jumping up and down in front of their 7...

 How dare you harass me on late payments you sad sack.  I’ll be working to pay you off for the rest of my life What are you giving back?  CrossFit classes.  You’re a prostitute. I want the money from your RsP you gave to Doron.  I want the money we gave to your nieces and nephews back.  I want half of the money you got from your mom’s estate, just like you gave more than half of what I got from my dad. You already stole a lot of that and enjoyed what we invested in.  I want your dental work back actually. Thief. Think of what you stole every time food passes between you lips.  I want the money from the cherry Kane theater. I definitely want the money back from the book publicist you were afraid to call. Harms 65k rigtt get there.   Your bikes are worthless do keep those. How’s 4th gear?  Hammering with Bo?  No, probably not.  I want to be repaid for t he leather jackets you lost.  For the vet bills for the early death of m...

Can you love yourself and still covet the attention of haters like my ex-wife? Those who can't sit around a table and share equally.? Those who hide the details of their life because they fear the consequences if their friends or lovers knew the entire truth? Those who claim you should be happy for them when they're stabbing you in the heart? Those who assure you that you're too angry? Those who can't achieve pleasure during sex and blame their lovers rather than their childhood trauma? Those who are never wrong? (Of course—absolutely.) Those who claim you are absent and are certain they are present? Those who coach so they can control others and fear successful creators? Those lost souls who join cults as long as they're praised? (What's the difference between EST and NVC in the end?) Those who fat-shame and wealth- shame when they can't control their own addictions to harming themselves and stealing? Those same few who are always healthy whe...

I spoke to Claudia last month, Mina. She was in tears and asked me if I'd help her fire Diti as a client. I know Diti thinks Claudia is inferior, and it sounds like she's become an abusive employer. I suggested Claudia increase her rates to account for the abuse and hope that Diti fires her rather than filing a claim for late and non-payment and hostile work conditions. My particular concern is that Claudia says Diti grills her about whether I'm subsidizing her rent. This is none of Diti's business and I need you to cease and desist—Claudia is facing deportation though her two children are US citizens. You don't understand how hostile this place is for immigrants. The fact that you are pressuring a south Asian woman to spy on a South American single mother who would be living on the street if not for us is disgusting, Mina. Diti may have lost her moral compass—I blocked her two years ago—but she would not bully Claudia except under your direct harassment. ...