Are you finally attractive to yourself now?

 I witness so much ugliness--my own, the daily news and the puppets who participate in it, and of course small, mean actions from individuals. Ugliness encroaches and colonizes.  It’s opportunistic and impatient.

I, at least, always found you beautiful.  You were beautiful to me. Always.

What have you done?  Why your current defacement?  Are there people who find you attractive now? Are there people who see you and respect you more? Are those the people you hope to attract, or control, or befriend?  Are you more attractive to your desired tribe? 

More importantly, to yourself? 

You won’t communicate so I will never know your story, but as someone who lived with you for decades,  I can't imagine a version of you who would not look in the mirror now and scream for hours.  Clearly I don't know you, and even more clearly, never understood who you were (unless you were under duress at the time you moved to Montreal and flipped somehow?).

You must have some knowledge that you hurt me and others deeply to thrust yourself into another violent reinvention.  Your act signals (to me) that you needed to hide from your failure to support the most important people of your past.  You must know your own guilt to hide like that. You created your own witness protection plan but you had to murder your original self to enroll.

I am not in any of the groups who hypothetically could see the current you as “improved”.  Rather, I saw your Facebook picture and gasped...as if I'd been punched in the stomach. A known and loved treasure lost to a senseless act of destruction.

I hope my response would not be satisfying for you—perhaps you get off knowing that you've given me another body blow. You were never caring or gentle and you often hurt others with something akin to glee.  I hope you didn’t do this for spite. More likely you never thought of my point of view at all. (I’ll always appreciate that you moved the position of that tattoo—which I was able to ignore.  What did it say? Complicity?)

No one who remembered me would do this to themselves. If I prevented this act as a step towards the real you, I apologize, and I know that you were never happy with me. You are not someone I’m attracted to. 

If I passed you on the street, I would not recognize you.  I would subconsciously "assume" that I had just passed an angry, alienated and sexless woman.  Someone who would hurt others without blinking.  Perhaps a violent man-hater?  Maybe a member of a cult?  A recent cancer survivor?

Going down the list, at position 11,341: someone who would be enjoyable to spend time with.

I would never make eye contact with you.

One more memory of a good thing...that I was attracted to you always...completely dashed.  Every single type of attraction pummeled by a clown's image...

Wait...now I know.  Journaling gave me the answer! Voila!

OMG---that's who you are...your character from clown class in Paris--the clown persona that asshole coach saw in you.  He knew something I did not see!   You have inhabited his intuition.  

Caution.  Warning. I do not know you.  The Queen of Cups.  Run like a girl, far far away from me, who mistakenly loved you.  Ew...