well...pick up the trash and try to find the car in the cold visitors' parking lot. I forget which floor it's on. Do you remember?

 I have been alone for so long.  And now it's absolute.

Do I have all my stuff?  Did I bring my phone?  I don't remember.  I think I wore that grey jacket but I don't see it anywhere.  I need to blow my nose and go to a bathroom but I can't see clearly.  

I have to say goodbye to Mina now.  She left ages ago .  More than a decade.  Now it has to be my turn. Once again, she scores the victory of being absent when it matters to me.  Nothing new.  I never counted her love as foundational, and she assured me so often that it wasn't.  Everyone knew this except me.  Mom and Dad and Glenn...look at this dreadful mistake I made, bringing this disease close to you when you needed more from me.

This is my own fault.  I bet my life on a skittish biting horse who had been abused earlier, and of course I have no one to ride with now.  No surprise that my herd left me alone and sick as the predators approach, and the fence was knocked down seasons ago, with no one here to repair it,

Like getting news that a loved one just died in the operating room and you're stuck with a bunch of paper cups of tasteless coffee and trying to pick up the blankets and jackets and find the car in the visitor's parking lot. Do I remember which elevator I took to get here?  The blue and green carpet looks the same everywhere. I think I remember that set of security doors on the way in earlier last evening.   

My life in pieces.  I'm not even with my cat tonight.  Maybe I should fly home now?  Ceci...my friend and love...in the end it's the two of us, I guess.  I have nowhere else, and nothing else left to crush to my chest and hold dear.  To bury my nose deep in your fur and breath together.

Leaving the fluorescent lights and stained upholstery of my life and walking the long corridor in the basement.  It's snowing outside, I'm sure.  Big sloppy flakes that turn to mud as they land.

Where will we hide when the jackboots arrive.  I am so terrified. I want my cat...I want to treasure and try to protect her.  To treasure and protect something I know I can trust.

Can I care for you?  I can't care for myself.  I will try, Ceci.  I will try, and I will do better for you. I have made such terrible choices for myself, and you should not have to pay for my bad judgement and endless mistakes.  I will and I must honor and do better for you to save myself.  Will you stay here with me now? I can't stop crying.