It makes sense that I'm needy for acknowledgement

I can't say whether I'm too needy or not needy enough or just the right amount of needy.  Just that I would have loved more acknowledgement and some affirmation during my marriage.  I didn't feel safe or certain so much of the time, and I also had a constant sense that I disappointed my partner.  Not enough sex.  Not enough money? Not enough overt expressions of love.  Too many nonsensical arguments and no progress toward resolution.  The same bad patterns over and over, I suppose.

 

Now I have even less, since my recent divorce.  I notice that my family constellation contract, now cancelled but still a factor in how I view myself, rejects affirmation from friends and other sources.  The only source that mattered was the primary woman in my life.

 

My ex was not the right person to offer this kind of "love."  Again, maybe I'm a mess—but it's what I feel I needed.

 

I lived on an empty fuel tank of love for so long.  I lived in the dry desert alone for so long.  I lived with someone who needed her own tanks fueled, and her own oasis, and never offered me either of these essential tools for survival.

 

Now I have no get up and go…and I'm crackly and arid inside. I'm still looking for this love, this need, this affirmation, and finally discovering that I can get it from myself whenever I want.  It's hard to learn, and I need to keep refreshing this lesson, sometimes minute by minute.  But this is where I hope to eventually get all of what I need. Maybe even extra.  I'm a good man.  I deserve this from myself, and I want to be alone so no one can steal this precious supply I've found.  I do not want to share my love now.  I want it all for myself, to treasure and enjoy.