Tonight I miss my best friend

I feel sad, some remorse, lonely, and very small.  I don't feel like I matter to any one.

 

I acknowledge all these feelings.  They make sense.  I'm traveling back east where I once lived, and passing through airports we often shared.

 

Sigh.  It does make sense, despite the anti-depressants and all the other things I've tried to regain a sense of value and place.

 

I heard my friend's voice for the first time in over a year yesterday.  She sounded afraid and anxious.  She probably dreaded the call?  I don't know but still she's the person I most want to be with, and she's part of me.  I wanted to comfort her but she'd just reject me as always and then I'd be hurt.  She has nothing to offer me except pain…she wants me to know I'm not worth her attention and certainly not worth her care or kindness.

 

As I wrote yesterday, she only said one thing…she wanted her money from our settlement agreement.  She was very upset.

 

I left the call and slept for two hours on the couch, as alone as ever.  Then I made a bit of dinner and went to bed early.  I had dreams about losing my shoes.

 

This all makes sense, but god, please let me out of this box I'm buried in.