My life stopped and I can't get it going again

 I suffered PTSD for a long time after my wife left me and my dad died.  My wife eventually returned four months after his death, but I was damaged and unable to grieve.  We muddled on for another 10 years but looking back I can't remember a single loving gesture, and there were increasingly insane arguments about random nonsense.  I believe my wife was miserable the whole time, and I was unable to comprehend that.  After all, she'd come back, and I'd accepted her, even after she fucked up her marital responsibilities during my dad’s death  

I believe this was the deepest trigger of my trauma.  I recall the shock of immediately knowing I was disfigured, irreparably. There were many earlier moments, but after 2012, my life became a numb toil. After the mortars exploded in front of me.

No one has handled the death of a parent worse than my ex.  I'll give her that!  Bottom 0%.  Her parents have died since then so now we could empathize about how hard that was, if we ever talk again before one of us dies, too. I showed up for the death of both her parents, but kind of as a side freak show...I was often dis-integrated from my wife's family.  

Anyway, now I'm finishing my third year of the most intense grieving, PTSD, and depression.  I'm medicated.  I live alone and depend on my cat for affection and connection.

I'm currently flying to London.  I don't know why.  I have a few plans but, as has been the case with these mental health struggles,  I'm surprised when I actually show up.  If I show up.

When will I be excited about something again?  I used to look forward to most activities, plan for them, and enjoy the moments.  Sharing means a lot to me, so the lack of companion (do you know the feeling of traveling somewhere and realizing that not a single person on the planet knows where you are?) is one reason I've lost interest.

I might see a show in London.   I might see the US play the English women's soccer team at Wembley.  I might go to a Thanksgiving meal with friends of friends.  I probably will see a few work friends, and I will moderate a panel about specialized publishing.

Blah.  If I stay in my room and don't get out of bed, it won't make much difference.  Go for a walk in the area around Victoria...maybe a kilometer or two.  

I brought my running shoes.  I don't run anymore but ski season is coming up where I live so even a short jog might help me feel stronger.  

But I don't need to move and I don't know if I'll go skiing.  It often seems so cold in the mountains.  

When will this stop, and when will I start?  When will I feel the first moment of connection with another human again (thank you to the cats and horses who have opened their hearts and minds...they mean everything to me and give me purpose now).