Coming to terms with the end

-

I struggle to accept some truthes—and I have no way to verify the facts of my disastrous and painful marriage. 

 

So these are some truthes I can't prove or disprove—but if I don't accept them I believe I will be stuck in the trap of false hope until I die.

 

  1. I loved my wife far more than she loved me.
  2. My wife was so unhappy in our marriage that she invested a great deal of time complaining about me to others from the very beginning.
  3. My wife needed an escape from her previous life, and I was acceptable.  Nothing more. I was tolerable enough some of the time that she accepted her fate, but as soon as she was frustrated, she didn't bother to be polite or kind.  I wasn't that important.
  4. My wife never shared anything about her true sexuality, even though I wasn't close to what she wanted.  I assume when she said "sex was nice," that's one case where she was somewhat honest.  It was nice.  Nothing of value.  But nice.
  5. I don't know anything about who she was, and never will.  My skills at observing were not that good, they were clouded by my desire to believe I was pleasing her and making myself happy, and she did not want to be known.

 

IF these are true, I've pretty much been a drag on my ex-wife's fortune.  She must believe that she would have succeeded in life if I wasn't an angry load to carry around.

 

And if this true, all of her rudenesses were honest.  She just didn't care.

 

I look like an idiot in this confession.  I still expect acknowledgement of what a good boy I was.  From her point of view, I was pretty much a disaster.  She will never contact me to tell me otherwise.  There is no apology because, as I know, she is certain I deserve to be hurt, but doesn't even think about it except for my bothersome texts or emails that sometimes slip through her protective net.

 

I still love her.  I'll confess that.  Now I acknowledge that I will not be happy or free until I say goodbye for ever.  I have attached myself to someone who stopped caring as much as 25 years ago.  Please David, for your own survival, I beg you to move on.  To let go of your best friend who was never even a friend.  Your partner who never had a partner.  Your wife who disdained you.  Your companion who was elsewhere whenever I was in the room. 

 

Please stop robbing yourself any more.  Please?  I need you to stop.  Can you hear me, David?

 

This is the hardest sentence I will ever write in my life.  Goodbye, Mina. 

 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Meet my friend, the mediocre hedge fund manager

-
There is no such thing as smart money.   Yet, when was the last time you heard some one described as a "below-average hedge fund manager?" Probably never. Or a "mediocre physicist?" That's because these two professions seem mystical to people who don't stop to question that at least half of the hedge fund managers--and physicists-- graduated in the bottom 50% of their university peer group. Yet look at the HFRI Equity Hedge Index compared to investing in a no-fee indexed S&P fund since 1996--the last 20 years.   (Note:   you've been screwed in either case so don't hold your breath).  Yes, all those wicked smart hedge fund guys (remember their nice suits from back in the late 90's?) rocked along at 13% annual returns from '96 til early '00.   So did the S&P. Since then it's been a negative shithouse for the guys who get their drawn portraits published in the WSJ.   Between ''08 and '13 a dollar invested i...
Read more

What are OpenAi’s major sources of revenue

-
It's a $4B company.   OpenAI generates revenue through several key channels, with a significant portion stemming from its ChatGPT offerings and API services. Here's a breakdown of its major income sources: 1.  ChatGPT Subscriptions (Approximately 76% of Revenue) OpenAI's primary revenue stream comes from its ChatGPT subscription services: ChatGPT Plus: Priced at $20 per month, this tier accounts for about 55% of OpenAI's total revenue, translating to approximately $1.9 billion annually.   ChatGPT Enterprise: Targeting large organizations, this plan contributes around 21% of the company's revenue.   ChatGPT Team: Designed for small to medium-sized teams, this offering adds about 8% to OpenAI's revenue.   Collectively, these subscription models provide OpenAI with a stable and recurring income stream. 2.  API and Developer Access (Approximately 15% of Revenue) OpenAI of...
Read more

Schedule crunch--and what it taught me

-
I woke up anxious and even a bit angry this morning…an old habit from the past that has diminished somewhat as I've recovered.   And then it hit me…I have a 7:30 meeting that I'm leading and I'm not ready.  I have an 8:45 Masters Ski group workout and if I'm not prompt the group takes off without me.  I have a critical board meeting at noon, and I haven't covered the materials.    And I have guests coming for a week on Sunday, so I'll partially lose control of my schedule.  That may be the worst.  My response was to schedule a group dinner during the week so I'd keep in touch with some of my new friends in town.  A bad pairing…NYC friends and mountain town friends. What do you cook???   Conclusion at the moment…5:33 AM:  I will be happiest for the next months living alone.  With no one in my space other than my two cats, who slept next to me in a joint cuddling ball all night.    I do not want to sha...
Read more