Hate

Yes. I feel it every day. Towards one miserable person. Just one. But the full force of my being carries this load.

Supporting my ex and loving her for 28 years was a successful long game scam. I gave and gave and gave and said yes to everything. I offered mutual support for decisions she made that shielded her from failure and success. Meanwhile, she was channeling assets into every account except ours. 

Now I am a carcass. Still living, 69, and capable of far more joy and creativity and sex than my ex will ever be. But she fucking stole 28 years and never never once gave a kindness back. There was always a reason with my con-girl wife. Why she could be mean and selfish and absolutely free of self-recrimination. Like an Italian mobster leaving the confessional. Why she could steal and hate her victim for being so weak. 

Mina is the first person to stuff me on her due bill. I won’t see a penny. She’ll continue to do the absolute wrong thing every time while explaining that she’s afraid to do it. (Currently her infatuation is her hair color. Recently it was the middle years on her mountain bike. This is not a heavy hitter here.). 

Crime never pays and Mina always thinks she’ll just do one more scam and blame one more victim. Because it’s who she’s been since the day she was born.  It is literally in her genes, in the most heinous way. Her friends will not be able to get a word in edgewise. If they have an opinion other than her star quality, she destroys them.  

I never spent a day with Mina in which she didn’t backstab a friend. I stopped running with her because the attitude was toxic. Like all victims of scams, I thought I saw more clearly who the true person was. 

In this regard, I am the winner. I kept your violence largely at bay for 20 years longer than anybody. I knew she was stealing, but underestimated how much. I knew she was talking trash about me to everyone—but underestimated how much. I knew what a fraud she was, but underestimated how planful she was about hurting others. 

There’s a really good soul inside me that everyone recognizes. Mina won't know how long that good heart will be beating—beating for justice and revenge for me and the others. She won’t know which one hit her when she wakes up to the truth that she fucked herself every single moment of her entire life. That’s the only skill she has.  

I talked to a lost friend today...one of the two who very strongly advised me to run for the hills when Mina walked out on me in 2012.  (There were many who gently said I was with a dangerous person who could not be trusted, and should consider taking the opportunity.)  I ignored these voices when Mina crawled back, having failed to find someone else to take over her needs. She returned with a dying cat she'd kidnapped, and never accepted her abject failure as a partner---her bottom 1% performance supporting a spouse through the death of a parent.

I accepted that Mina was incapable of normal care.  She did not possess empathy of any sort whatsoever, and was constantly in a state of cerebral competitive judgement.  She resented every single success anyone else had, and increasingly could not control her intentionally harmful responses.

I'm glad I took her back in 2012.  I got 10 years believing I was happy.

If not for my ability to maintain fantasy, I would have dumped her forever.  Now I know that Toby and Myles and the others (my parents) were completely right.  This is a hateful selfish witch, and she was my life partner.  Gone for good, thinking about hair color--she likes her hair color so of course she's cutting it all off.