Bouncing with the problem…

 I’ve been making so much progress with therapy, depression and PTSD. Family constellation work has been particularly helpful in helping me eliminate some “contracts” from my childhood. I’m better at not needing to be the “best baby in the world.”  I’m better at giving myself understanding when faced with new situations that don’t work for me. 

Being nicer to myself has not been noticed by others.  In fact I think I pass through most situations without being observed. It’s kind of nice.  All I try to do is smile, to indicate that I’m ok and hopefully leave a small positive residue behind me as I quietly pass. 

I’m beginning to appreciate being completely alone. I haven’t had sex in over two years I don’t think, and I miss it sometimes. I used to only feel normal in a couple. Now I’m unwilling to take the risk of spending my love with no return. 

Still, this week has been a struggle. It’s not a straight line and I can’t respond to chirpy self-help adages.  Now that I know true depression I accept that there will be long periods when I can’t get off the couch. And I’ve had some wine (and a Jell-O shot at a Halloween party!) and the depressive impact of even a few sips is so destructive to healing. 

I accept my own contribution to my own sad week!  But I also accept that this is a disease, in my case directly trauma-induced. I also have genetic markers for these problems. My dad was so sad at the end of his life and my brother is bi-polar. 

I have no other family. Very few of my old friends have stayed with me during my descent and I look at them now and see how much stronger I’ll be if I protect myself from their lack of emotional understanding and their disinterest. 

So, I’m sad. But I appreciate the reflected warmth of my flannel sheets, and the safety of my home in the mountains, while I try every day to be better and truer to myself. Knowing how much love I have inside me—so strong I can sometimes access it no matter how deeply blue I am. 

I am so much kinder inside than the world I see around me. I no longer want to be part of that, and won’t sacrifice myself for the radical kindness revolution that no one wants