I don't have a metaphor for me

After these last years, and the crises that precipitated them, I'm sad.  I'm medicated for depression and PTSD and continue to be in therapy and other treatments to try to "cheer up," if nothing else.

The treatments have offered benefits including periods of richer self knowledge, effective grieving, better listening to myself and others. And,  new skills at setting boundaries and clearer communication of my needs.  Thank you "that makes sense," and "this is not working for me."

Cheering up?  Hasn't happened.  

I keep hoping, though today it's almost 2 pm and I haven't gotten out of bed.  A rugged lonely day in a strange city.  Maybe I'll face the day and take a shower after I finish this post to myself.  Perhaps not.  

Am I a shell of the man I was?  Probably, but I still feel substance inside.  I feel weighty, though soft and perhaps sick.  But not like a shell.  

Am I a heartbroken romantic?  That would be fun, but then I think I'd have some energy for singing country western songs and sharing war stories with others who have had full lives and suffered loss.  I don't have energy for anything.  I'm just heartbroken.  There's no performance art around this.  No poetry.  This blog is the best I can do, and while it helps and gives focus to my pain, it hasn't really solved anything.

Yet.  

Am I a victim?  Definitely.  But what does that get me?  I went to a support group for my particular sort of victimization (a narcissist wife) for a year, and read a lot about it. and my experience checks every box...but I'm no better today for this knowledge.  I'm better at recognizing narcissists a mile away.  I have that skill now, and that's protected me from the worst abusers who spot me as if I'm wearing fluorescent long underwear.

I may be a lost soul.  Like a survivor at Hiroshima?  Feels like that some days.  Always out of place and time, with skin that burns. but no longer feels.

I am so depressed.  So lonely.  These are not metaphors.  These are moral responses to crushed expectations. Horses are never alone unless careless owners force them into it...which usually turns the horses either neurotic or sick.