What I do not want.

 I do not want to be forgotten.

I do not want to be alone and unloved.

I do not want to be raped.

I do not want to be an innocent victim.

I do not wish to give you my love when you’ve never given love back.

Please give me little moments of peace and self-love so I don’t completely ignore my own goodness.i do still love you, David.  I see my own beauty in those flashes.

I do not want to get better.  (I want to know the deepest depths of the bittersweet sublime.)  agreed, I do not want to cry as much.  When I do cry, I want it to be as powerful and purging as possible every time.  If I don’t release I fear I will explode.  I do not want to explode  I do not want to be a detonator. 

I reject your bad advice, as you reject mine.

I never want to hear about anyone’s “God” again.  I will stuff my ears to protect myself from your priests. 

I do not want to say a final goodbye to my parents or my lovely broken brother. 

I do not want my cat Ceci to ever experience a single moment of fear or discomfort. She is a treasure beyond art.

I want to live somewhere where I don’t have to apologize for my gender, since no apology can account for the damage men do.

I do not accept your false witness, Mina.  Your sickness has overtaken and surpassed you.  You look and act like a witch to me.  I do not want to care about you, feel responsible for you, think about you, or honor you with my anger and hatred.  You’ve taken far too much from your victims and wasted it all. I have nothing left and know you want to erase me more than you care about saving yourself.  This is the definition of hate.

(A man in the midst of chemo just passed me.  He was supported by a woman on both arms, stumbling forward with effort but also smiling in his headscarf.  The sun shone on his face and the fallen leaves rustled as he shuffled through them.)

I won’t mind dying.  My time here is spent.  Soon I will walk home and wait.  

Meanwhile I want to apologize that I want you to pay for what you did.   I would like to experience emotional retribution and watch your face. I would enjoy seeing you wracked with sobs, alone, like me.  We could be lovers then. You would be worthy of me for the first time. I am not available to you until you prove you are authentic.