I know the shame and the companionship of the abused

On a sunny mid-day walk in London, completely alone, I'm struck by the fearful hate for family and friends my ex-wife spewed across her lifetime. A powerful short bolt out of the brightness. Bam.  That was a solid hit.

She's long moved on to others…and I'm certain someone in that new group is being hurt badly by her.  Equally certain my ex knows it's that individual's fault. (Only men had to fear in the past...apparently she's now an equal opportunity demon across the rainbow?)

The pieces of her regularly shatter, and she redesigns herself with startling rigidity—but since there are no shards for shame or guilt or apology, each iteration has the identical fatal flaw.    

She has no other way to reinterpret herself:

It is your fault that I'm empty inside.

A specific call out: my ex had no understanding of her own sexuality.  Based on current scant evidence, she's even more unhinged about sexuality than she was when we were together.  This is harmful and dangerous to others---she don't know who she is, and like a four year old, she transfers her inner vacuum to others. My inability to find sexual satisfaction or purpose is your fault.  Your fault.  Your FAULT!

Around sexuality, you destroy anything that gets into your path.  Look at you now.  You are not a person who has anything to offer a person like me.  Because you didn't know yourself, and still clearly don't have a clue, you sucked and you sucked and you sucked us both completely dry.  Dry of life, of blood, of power, of lust. 

Now... New look, friends of the hour before they're driven away, same pathology.  OMG.  Makes me want to puke, and never see another human again.  I lived with this psycho, and ended up crippled and traumatized as my sole recompense.  

I allowed you to happen to me.  I'm so ashamed to be the latest (there are likely others after me by now). 

As I continue my walk, I once again align with my predecessors…P, J, D, M, K, etc etc. I send blessings to any who have followed.  I haven't thought of them as much in the last year, as I worked through my depression.  

At this moment, however, now; you, past and future, are all fully next to me, viewing the Battersea Power Station across the river. By my side.  I send you all healing love, though I have little left now to share.  I touch your scars and I feel mine lessen.  But. I also know, as you all do, that there's a vampire on this planet.