What do I want to do for my birthday?

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70.

Nothing. I want to do nothing. I want to be by myself here and reflect on the good and the bad. I want to be safe and to avoid performing. I want to hold my cat and tell her I love her.

I don't want to eat or drink anything except water. I have too much and while I live a small life I consume too much. Not on my birthday.

I want to turn off the phone and the computer and disconnect the wifi for 24 hours. I am not part of the internet of things.

I want to be my own thing. Proud, alone, tall in my space.

I do not have the answer for anything. My words are wrong. They don't describe and they don't answer. Let them go too for my birthday and maybe afterwords. A silent retreat for 30 days? I don't think so. How would that be unusual or a gift yo myself.

Let it all be quiet where I am. I think I'm done with people. They don't give me anything back. I don't ask. My needs are not relevant to anyone.

This is me. Alone. 70. On anti-depressants and this is what I get? No wonder I don't want presents! Or attention. It would never be enough to repair the damage.

I can’t fix anything.  I can’t solve anything.  I don’t know anything.  I wish to be emptier than I am.   What does that mean to me?  This is so curious.  I don’t know my needs because they are not met. Please leave me alone.

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