Today, a very unpleasant sensation--I do not know why I am here.

 As usual, I'm here alone with my cats.  But I'm having an unusual experience that is unpleasant.  I do no know why I'm here.

Spiritually--I do not know.  

Physically--why am I in California, but why do I exist in the physical realm at all.

Teleologically--I do not know what my purpose is.

I know that I don't want to harm others, and that I want to protect animals, particularly those that are my best friends.  

So that's one reason I'm here.

I've experienced purposelessness before, and loss of corporal connection--recent ketamine-assisted psychology journeys gave me some infinite insights into disassociation.

But, at the moment, I am filled with sad emptiness because I don't know why I'm here for any reason. Here on my couch as the sun sets, and the lights on my Christmas tree begin to take over the illumination of my room.

This is different from the common "if I died now, no one would notice."  This is a philosophical disconnection with being human, and whatever that entails or suggests.  I am not part of that.  I am not part of what other humans think, or do, or any of the silly ways they fill up their hours, far from me here.  

I am not responsible for the embarrassing failures of human activity.  (I have been reading about the atrocities piled on the Poles by Hitler and Stalin, while Churchill allowed anything that would get him the allies he needed, and of course the US did absolutely nothing except profiteer.  The Katyn woods were much less than the tip of the iceberg...that was only 4500 Polish officers in three mass graves, under birch trees planted by the assassins to disguise the location.)

I am not part of that.  I do not want to be human.  I want to be alone.  Maybe it is good to be purposeless.  Maybe this state of consciousness I'm experiencing is suggesting to me that I never leave this couch again.

I really don't know.  I'm frightened, to feel no connection with anything, and sense that even the absence of connection does not mean anything.  It is so so quiet now, as I type.  I think I will lay down...the sun has set now.