In the end, why did I ever waste my gratitude on you?

What gift did you leave behind for me? What kindness or sign that I am worthy of living. I can’t locate the  wrapped package.

You put so much effort into proving I was bad. Not worthy. All those interruptions and insults and gaslighting and yawns, and your back always turned when I needed love or affection or a caring glance.

I thought we were in this together. You weren't in anything….other people's pants? God knows where you were.

Not by my side. Not my partner in life. Not a friend. Doron was kinder to me than you were.

I never got a thing from you, but you stole so much. You'll waste what we had and squander it and devalue it without telling anyone. As you've done with every body and every thing you've ever touched. It's gone, right? There you are, scared and lost and lonely, just like you were the night I met you. Fuck, I wish I'd ignored you instead of sharing my closet. Get out now. You can keep the crappy sweatshirt.

I wish I could remember something good about my time with you now.  The pain has erased it all. The stark light of serial betrayal. The emptiness of your soul, my enemy.  That’s what you left behind.   Someone who wants every kindness he wasted on you returned this minute.  

I am searching for the self I love.  He will be alone when I find him.  So will I, as I am now. We will break bread together and my searching will end.  It will be in the knowledge that we’ve always loved each other, since the very beginning.

That is beautiful.  That is the secret I own for myself.  The world is ugly and unwise.  .