Happy 30th Wedding Anniversary, David!

Thirty years ago I gave my trust and faith to my life partner. The day has passed now and I am the only person on earth to acknowledge that memory.  I have walked away from the life I had with my ex, ceding all our mutual friends, our home, and our favorite activities and places.  They are all tainted, poisoned or disfigured—if they’re recalled at all.

I tried to be a good partner and a true friend. I think we were good companions, at least when we weren't engaging in war over sex—or just generically. I believe her narrative is that I was a constant disappointment, angry, addicted, and a shitty sexual partner.  At least that’s what her campaign talking points were before I chose my own witness protection plan to escape the shock and trauma of endless betrayal. 

But, I stayed with it. I faced every day with her as the center of my life. I experienced periods of deep love for her. I stayed, though I often had to retreat to separate bedrooms and late evening trips to the airport so I could regain myself after particularly severe annihilations.

Today, I haven't affirmatively heard from her in over three years. To celebrate my anniversary, I had some weird final divorce documents notarized this morning.  I didn’t read them.  I just signed and sat silently while the notary scribbled my ID numbers in his book. These will be my sole reminder of my marriage, and the woman I assumed was my best friend for life.. I will not leave my house otherwise.

I can no longer remember a kind gesture and all my memories, even the good ones, have harm and violence attached. Not a single memory of unconflicted happiness with her remains.

I'm still alive, though a shell of who I once was. That's something David, to live on after war. Congratulations to you, and thank you for being you. It's been a good journey through extremis..

And it makes sense you’re damaged by trauma. You’ve never had a friend who needed to construct a false narrative ignoring you in order to sustain her own narrative.  Climbing on the shoulders of others to reinvent yourself is the weakest form of behavioral development. It’s what underdeveloped four year olds do. Not cute at age four, and terrifying in any adult. 

I witnessed daily cruelty that was truly hell. Denying help to your family.  Being gaslighted with violent conviction. Withdrawing a hand and turning a back when my hand was reaching out for touch. I will grow but I doubt I can ever forget.  I’ll check in on this topic on my 40th anniversary—December 23, 2034!—to give myself an update if anything about my marriage has changed.   

On this day, the 30th, my parents showed up to celebrate alongside me. Love to you, Mom and Dad. You knew what a real family was, and you taught me. Memories of you and the love I felt are today’s anniversary gift. You can visit again now that Mina’s absent, just as she always was.. Nothing at all now.