The loss I can't overcome

As I continue therapy, I increasingly understand that the multiple betrayals I suffered at the hands of my ex are not what's holding back my recovery.

It's that her ghosting behavior communicates to me that I failed as a partner.

I've been trying to succeed with the most important women in my life since I was 4.  I have invested most of my vitality and life energy into trying to earn the "he's a good guy" merit badge.  (In the case of my mom, it was the contract to be "the best baby in the world.").

Then, I ran into my ex.  True,. she's never been satisfied by what she's received from anyone.  I can see that, but I can't use it to exonerate myself from failure.

And at some level she knows if she ignores me she can keep me in pain.  IT takes no work on her part to hurt me, she never puts much effort into others, and it feels powerful to someone who's never really succeeded.  Win win win for my ex.

Lose at an epigenetic level for me.  This is fucking up my DNA every day.

She'll never take any responsibility for never meeting my needs...and this contract to be the best guy in the room is so outdated and so ineffective and SO inappropriate maintaining mental health with  a psychopath like my ex--yadda yada yada.  The problem is, after 66 years, I'm finding it almost impossible to stop.

A big project for 2025 and beyond.  Imagine David, not needing what he easily obtained from 1959-1994.

David who is PTSD after the abuse and trauma of going cold turkey on the love I needed.