My F + divorce and the folly of the human ego. Silly humans!

Wow. A year wasted resolving nothing. Then 3 1/2 hours of mediation resolving everything.

Then 15 months and $200,000 in additional feees trying to turn a nine-bullet list into a document for the NYS courts.

A process that's required expensive mental health support.

It will never end.

This system of conflict resolution is extortion. Like being in prison, but you have to pay for the room and board. And there's no tunnel you can dig or fence you can climb to escape. No exoneration or parole. Isn't this the western definition of hell? I wouldn't know. I'm not a Christian. I think Revelation is stupid blather. Atrocious poetry. Faulty ethics. Not something that anyone who reads could base their faith upon.

Revelation appears to be the guiding text of the matrimonial bar.  The seventh circle inside the fifth paragraph subheading "C."

I haven’t had a meaningful interaction with my ex in two years. We have no social contacts in common. I’m not a social media guy.  I would not recognize  my ex if I passed her on the street. I feel zero attraction to whatever happened in the past, cannot remember a single positive moment, and have also forgotten her narcissism and selfishness which turned my life into a strangled gaslighted hellhole. 

All I remember are meaningless revisions and legal bills that will never end. I haven’t read a draft in over a year. What are you guys discussing without me?  I assume if it was anything important someone would let me know.

F.  Forget the plus. Too much effort to grade this experience while I’m still being treated for chronic severe depression. Back to bed. Sleep. Joyful sleep and escape.  My happy place, mostly.  Lock the door and keep intimacy away. Look at the horrible damage trusting others has done to me.

Along the way, there were bad actors. Deb Hrbek really fucked up--so badly it was kind of funny.  Some of my old friends who felt a Chinese Wall was helpful when our marriage turned to being nothing BUT a Chinese wall. Sorry Bob Osmond—you made things much worse when with a little effort you might have provided a last shot at avoid the massacre that hurt me beyond recognition. 

You’re one example of how humans have no capacity to help one another. I've collected mucho further evidence supporting this truth during my mental health breakdown and crisis.  

Believe me, Bob--you are not alone! 

The biggest disappointment of course is my ex-wife, but she had long ago determined that I was a loser and deserved  to be ghosted. So no surprises there—she can sleep the sleep of angels, as she always does.  She was absolutely clear that she would never help me. My bad for finding that truth so painful that I had to keep forgetting it for years to save myself. 

I.   I.  I am alone. Happy birthday, soon, David.  I love you very very much.