Never knowing what mattered to me

 For so long I haven’t been allowed to have strong feelings. 

If I did, they were discounted by my life partner because:

—I’m aggressive

—I’m angry

-I’m a drunk

—I’m a cocaine and poppers addict

—blah blah blah. 

Basically my strong feelings suck.  And it’s true that I stopped expressing them except when tortured. 

I learned to just suck it up—

I stopped even trying to be polite—it made no difference  I got laughed at or belittled or ignored or fucked around on no matter what  

Also, I had no experience before my ex having yo fight for attention, love, respect, or human decency   It was always given to me  

Now I know what it’s like o face daily derision  and, when you beg for kindness, to get kicked in the balks and dumped   

Whew  makes sense I’m full on pTSD and depressed  I was an unarmed child in the face of Stalin’s Red Army…in this case it was just one cruel asshoke from London Ontario—but I was still a child