Similarly...this old heartbreak

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 I was married to someone who distinguished herself at not being available when the shit hit the fan.  My solace...the only solace I can find in her absence...is that I am not alone.  I share the heartbreak of realizing you've been abused with many others.

Too late for me.  Too late for my comrades.

So, why do I destroy myself still worrying that she'll be OK when it's so easy for her---and she's always clear on this--that she has no desire, ability, or willingness to lift a finger for me?  I'm being literal.  She's ghosted me for three years and here I am, a pathetic sot, trying to sell my home so she can feel the fleeting safety of $4-5 million in the bank.

So she can reinvent herself for the next sucker (I don't know how many lives she's hurt since she walked out on me for the third time, blaming all the way.

Trashing me to everyone who would listen, and checking in every three months or so with my remaining friends to see if they too had abandoned me.

I had a home on Riverside Drive.  I occupied it with a vampire!  Whew.  I guess it makes sense that I bleed every day.  Selling this home will be a victory for her, and she's already made it clear that she's terrified she can't survive.  She has an endocrine disease that makes her react badly to fear, and interpret friends as enemies.  That old adrenal gland.  When it fucks up, it's a bitch...Or, in her case, you believe everyone else is.

Tonight, my PTSD energy is spinning around the steps my ex took that shortened the lives of Hercules and Emily.  How much?  I can't say.  An hour?  A few days?  Six months.  But only she knows how the cats spent their final months in hostile, new environments.  Can you look inside your soul and know that what I'm saying is not true...you were there.  Living in spaces that were off limits to me because of your affairs and hostility.  You won't discuss or give me an answer, and I'm fine with that.  Are you?  

You know what just scared the shit out of me?  You are Ok with that.  I can see it clearly.  Whew...I just got a scent of the devil there...brrrrr.

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