How do I feel about the New Year?

I have more optimism, which is to say I have some optimism after hellish years in 2022, 3023, and 2024.

But I've faced emotions (and mental states) I could not overcome. That scares me. I know my future may be unpleasant or filled to the daily brim with loneliness.

What percent of this new year will I spend unable to rise off the couch? Will I experience better energy and contentment from accepting whatever happens on each day?

Will the fact that I have so few people left to disappoint give me the peace I crave? There's no one but the cats to please most days, and I'm safe and secure.

Will I make new plans? I've enjoyed a few projects here at home, improving old features I don't like.  I enjoy disposing of the artifacts of the life I no longer have access to.  Today I got rid of some pepper grinders that now remind me of a hollow love.  Trash day is tomorrow, early.  I need to make sure to get everything to the curb.

I don't know what I want, and I don't know how my medicines are impacting my decision making.  I often start something and then discover part of the project in the wrong place four hours later, unfinished.  I assume I did something meaningful between the initial loss and the mid-project discover, but who knows.

End of the year!   Go team go.   Let's be exceptional in old and new ways.  I'd like to read more again.  I don't care if I ever have sex again and I can no longer imagine being close enough to a woman so that the concept of having sex would ever arise.  I'd be home in bed hours before anything like that would become a plausibility.

My concept of health is so different now.  Exercise is not part of it.  

Last night I dreamt that I bought a four bedroom apartment in Reno Nevada.  I liked living there, and not paying state taxes any more.  Even my dreams are pure vanilla.  

Sad to know that Jimmy Carter has died.  The first, and best, president I ever voted for.  (I voted for Anderson in 1980, so I didn't vote for another winner until Obama. I'd still vote for Ralph Nader today if he ran, which is what I did when Clinton won, and I say fuck you to my "Democrat" friends.  I was happy to vote for Kamala, but don't think for a minute that she's a fellow traveler of mine.  Now it's far far too late to matter WHO you vote for, if we ever vote again.  The country is ruined, and only a radical could save it.  Preferably Trotsky this time, not the Donald Stalin we have as of January 20.)