The hole in my life.

I desire to be with family on Christmas. Biological or legal at the center.. The traditional model, with additions from those in the larger orbits around us.

I have two people among the living who qualify. My dear brother who I love. He is bipolar so often is completely unavailable. Even at his best he struggles to offer reciprocal attention.

Then there's my ex wife. She doesn't ever want to hear from me. She believes I'm undeserving of help or kindness from her or from any of our joint friends, and has severed relations with those who have tried to aid me. She hasn't shared herself with me in many many years, and does not reply to my texts to show that I'm not entitled to her love or attention.

This is my biological/legal family.

I am lonely even in crowds, and the holidays are nostalgic tornadoes.

I have a family hole in my life. I work on climbing out of depression every day, but this hole is so deep and wide I often can't take the first step out. The walls are canyons.

I cry by myself at the bottom. I can't get up, and I haven't figured out how to get out yet.

I cry so much on Christmas. I can’t keep writing now.  I can’t see the screen.  Back to bed where it’s safe and warm.  I will be 70 soon.  This could be it. 

Save the horses and the cats and the worthy animals.  Please?