How do most people respond to betrayal?

 How would you respond if you were betrayed by your best friend and life partner?  And blamed.  And then ghosted.

I can tell you how I responded.  The events around the end of my marriage threw me into dangerous PTSD immediately.  I tried to self-medicate, which helped by deferring some of the impact of the torrent of deferred grief (I had never been able to confront the loss of my parents and the illness of my brother because I was deeply invested in my wife).  Obviously, coke and martinis are not a long term solution--but then again I can't say multiple varieties of anti-depressants have provided any miracles either.  

What I can say is that coke gave me some short moments when I felt meaningful and good about myself.  I'm thankful for that.  The last three years have been unrelenting self-criticism.  I'm not going to beat myself up about a few three hour segments when I felt attractive and energetic.

The PTSD led where it usually does...to anger and depression.  Whew.  Now I know.  Now I know what true depression is.  The kind of depression where "hey, just go out for a run and you'll be happy" is such a laughably naive response that it's impossible to not believe whoever said that is a total moron.

You'll get over it!  Go out on a few dates!  Get laid! Moron.

For fuck sake.  If you haven't been where I've been, you don't understand how destructive stupid comments like that are to deeply traumatized people.  Don't bother trying.  You're not capable yet.  

The loneliness that is incurable in the moment.  The type of loneliness that is the dominating personality in a room full of dozens of happy laughing friends.

The type that comes from knowing your parents are dead and your best friend has betrayed you...(in my case, the betrayal was a long game, too...money, attachment, friendships, attention all disappeared years before my wife felt entitled stick the knife in.)

God...it makes sense I never want to trust any one again.  I will never attempt to love anyone again.  I hope I never have sex with anyone again (I am scared I would be a terrible sexual partner now, compared to the mutual joy and laughter I recall in bed with previous sexual partners.)

I hope I die alone.  I do not want the responsibility or risk of knowing those I counted on might betray me after I was gone.  Maybe I'm extrapolating too much.  So, I'll say I need to live alone now, and it doesn't matter to me if I'm alive or dead or how long I have.  If I lived with someone else, I would need to care about meaningless questions like that, in order to please or appease or comfort them.  

I don't have the bandwidth for that as long as I live with depression.  I need the solace and silence to learn that I am the most important person...to me.

No, I cannot live with another person. 

That's what I think humans are good for.  Ignoring my needs and demanding that I honor theirs.  We are all selfish, but compared to my wife, I am a god of kind generosity and other-centeredness.  A true god.  A minor diety.  From a faith known only to lonely me.