I wonder who I’ll be…
Each day feels the same now, but also different. Being alone with my cat and Diana's cat. Feeling ambiguous around others. Going to bed early and waking up, as I am now, in the wee hours to write to myself. I prefer this now, in the dark, to messaging others.
I try to get outside each day for cross country skiing. That's ok. I'm glad to get back to the lodge and then my old truck for the three minute drive back up here. Come back to the cats.
I still work, and pay my bills. I wish my apartment in NY would sell so I can forget about that responsibility and the part of my life I spent there. I want to be this new person I'm turning into, but I have so many anchors behind me. And I used to be able to change my circumstances by investing in change. Now I don't have any liquid assets so it feels harder. I'm older too so big projects may require too much follow through.
I have the feeling that the anti- depressants are making me feel less connected. A bit weaker. I'm having long dreams but they don't feel like they're interesting, or additive. I should read more or watch movies… I think those would be more beneficial. Better than journaling too? I don't know. This is the habit that I'm drawn to most.
Is there a purpose here for me? I don't think I matter, and I don't think it matters any more. I'll love the cats and see what each day holds. I'll try to protect myself from things that hurt me, or that don't work for me. I'd like to avoid disappointments and settle into daily patterns that allow me to smile and feel safe and at peace within myself. That I have finally learned to be good to me. That I am my own best friend for once, now that I don't really have anything else.
I try to get outside each day for cross country skiing. That's ok. I'm glad to get back to the lodge and then my old truck for the three minute drive back up here. Come back to the cats.
I still work, and pay my bills. I wish my apartment in NY would sell so I can forget about that responsibility and the part of my life I spent there. I want to be this new person I'm turning into, but I have so many anchors behind me. And I used to be able to change my circumstances by investing in change. Now I don't have any liquid assets so it feels harder. I'm older too so big projects may require too much follow through.
I have the feeling that the anti- depressants are making me feel less connected. A bit weaker. I'm having long dreams but they don't feel like they're interesting, or additive. I should read more or watch movies… I think those would be more beneficial. Better than journaling too? I don't know. This is the habit that I'm drawn to most.
Is there a purpose here for me? I don't think I matter, and I don't think it matters any more. I'll love the cats and see what each day holds. I'll try to protect myself from things that hurt me, or that don't work for me. I'd like to avoid disappointments and settle into daily patterns that allow me to smile and feel safe and at peace within myself. That I have finally learned to be good to me. That I am my own best friend for once, now that I don't really have anything else.
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