The events that led to the person I am today

What’s written in this journal post is the only explanation I have for the violence and trauma I’ve experience during the period between 2010 and 2023. It’s the only way I can understand the events of my life since then as well. 

My life partner planned for years to escape our marriage. She didn't like, respect, or loved me. To carry out her scam she diagnosed me as a drug and alcohol addict, stole money from our joint accounts, was in a long-term affair with a sex worker, and refused to respond to my pleas for understanding or help. It took her 12 years to leave and during that time she plotted, was emotionally and sexually absent, and engaged in regular gaslighting. She did this because she wanted money for herself and I was an easy mark because I trusted her..

I was a victim of a scam. I became so traumatized during this long battle that I fell into PTSD, deep depression, and alcohol and coke and cannibis abuse. I had no one to help me since my ex had told all our friends that she was done with the marriage and was planning her escape from a crazy mean angry man. They believed her. 

That's who I lived with for 28 years. Someone who believed this and treated me accordingly.

I'm not the first she's abused Sadly she couldn't find anyone richer to do this to, though she tried.

No wonder I'm depressed and struggling to believe in myself. No wonder I begrudge her gaslighting, disdain, and failure to provide love. No wonder I don't think she's a worthy human being.  No wonder I think she needs to be called out, all these years after she disappeared. No wonder I often feel empathy to whomever she's mistreating now.

No wonder I distrust everyone.  No wonder I feel so much shame and guilt. No wonder I feel nauseous and fearful all the time. 

These reactions make sense to me, but only when I acknowledge this description of my experience. I give myself a hug. I am a survivor..  my exhaustion and sadness and weakness make sense to me. So does my fear of the future. 

As the women in my victims of abusive marriages support group said, my responses to all the gaslighting and insanity make sense. 

It make sense that I am struggling to begin my life again.

It makes sense that recovery is such a daily battle for me. 

That was- violent, hurtful, traumatic and loveless war I survived. It changed me and there is no shortcut or medical remedy for this. Just hard hard work to find moments peace and happiness once again. 

I can’t figure out how a friend and lover could fail to offer help when I was in trouble and apparently not care in the least. Not evidence shame. But, if I review my marriage under the lens of having been the victim of a scam, a clear, logical narrative forms. The endless bad acts make sense. I feel some clarity like a splash of cold water. It’s becomes logical for me to brush myself off, apply more first aid, and move on as best as I can. 

This is the one narrative of my relationship with my life partner that has interpretive value. This is the narrative I need to believe to survive the pain of endless humiliation and pain.