What’s going on here?

 So much anger towards myself and towards the erasing behaviors of my ex and past friends. 

Self critical talk is back. 

Diana is back for a bit. Maybe that feels like I didn’t stand up for myself again?

Temporary setback on the “this isn’t working for me.  Perhaps I’ve lost the trail of breadcrumbs back to happiness?

This is hard for me and I have so little vitality. It doesn’t feel “normal” to have to defend myself.

And how do I protect myself from the speeding train of a very hostile divorce, an ex with a violent history and the emotional maturity of a spoiled four year old, and a bipolar brother?  I am alone with few allies. 

Remember David that the “best baby in the world” contact is dead.  Mom agrees as best as I can tell. The days of pleasing others at any expense are gone. The days of apologizing and pandering for love are gone. 

My high school friends and my ex do not work for me. I have no desire to deal with the former but I still default to caring about the later despite her desire to hurt me. 

How do I stop?  Yesterday was so bad and the one thing I did was try to create shit documents for my ex’s lawyers to prove I’m not a thief. 

It threw me back in the old conundrum I’m so familiar with—trying to convince myself that the abusive asshoke I lived with for decades can’t be that bad. That she isn’t really a sociopathic fraud.  Despite all the clarity she provided. Despite all her unintelligible failures. Her inability to succeed at anything. The conflict, distrust, and hatred she leaves in her wake. 

She disappointed me so badly she triggered very dangerous PTSD. I’m barely surviving that damage after exposure to violence beginning 14 years ago. 

She and Savarese. So equal. It’s my response alone that’s different. Two humans do damages by their childhood that they have to repeat a two dimensional narrative like a holy text every day to stay alive. 

Two hurtful immature children.  

You do not work, Mina, for me or for anyone else. You are not effective, look at the mess you’ve made of your family and your life. You have no power and nothing to show except loss and failure. Get medical help.  The time is short for real understanding that could ease the burden of your illness.  

Look how small you’ve made yourself. Look at what a bitter pill you are for the world to carry, in this time of global hate. You destroy trust wherever you go because you are a lie. 

Such a setback for me the last three days.  Every inch on the recovery trail from pTS and depression has been like this.  I am the only one who can remove you as the biggest adversary and obstacle in my own life by turning my back on your sorry ass. 

Truly, fuck you, loser.  Look at you.  Pathetic. A soulless Halloween costume.  Scary and immediately forgettable.  That would work for me but I forgot myself the last three days. 

Back to work on my life. Please.  There’s more trash to take out. More sanitizing  new rooms with my dad to discover. People who know what love is and share. People who are good, like me. 

I am so sick of paying for your failure. I am the mayor Mina, and you are not welcome in my community. Get thecfuck out now.