What it's like to be gaslighted for 28 years.

The Narcissists' Prayer summarizes the gaslighting experience better than anything else I've ever come across.  The women in my support group for survivors of abusive marriages agree.

 

            That didn't happen

            And if it did, it wasn't that bad.

            And if it was, that's not a big deal.

            And if it is, that's not my fault.

            And if it was, I didn't mean it.

            And if I did, you deserved it.

 

This encompasses every single argument Mina and I ever had.  It's why we never resolved anything, ever.  We were stuck on "he said she said" 24/7.  We never agreed on a common fact pattern from which we could share love.

 

This is the most common trait of a marriage dominated by a narcissist.  (Mina is already saying "that didn't happen…")

 

Like two five year olds, sobbing separately in the middle of an elementary school  playground.  Waiting for the teacher to separate us.

 

In my case, living in this battlefield called home, I became angry.  I self-medicated with alcohol and cocaine and sexual fantasy.  Mina self-medicated with self-help training, denial, multiple lovers and polyamory, and becoming a life coach so she would always be in charge of any interaction.