Appreciate, not need...the approval of women

Here's a data dump of the snowball of my own development after depression and PTSD.

 

I continue to search for approval of women, but no longer "at whatever the cost to me."

 

So, I seek out groups of women pickleball players or the attention of women at social events.

 

These activities are the habits of my family constellation contract with my mom…I will be the best baby in the world if you love me.

 

Worked for awhile but it screwed up my life in the end, thanks to my brick wall run-in with an absentee spouse. 

 

I'm amazed I lived this long, but I've now paid for it with the decline of my mental health and the suffering of the last three years, and 2012, particularly.

 

I am learning "this does not work for me," and what that statement really means.  I can feel the power of kind truth and the clear vision of self-knowledge peeking out from behind my bad childhood habits.  My addiction to pleasing.

 

I am learning to praise myself and gloat about my victories or accomplishments.

 

I am learning to not apologize for my good performances, and equally as much my mistakes.

 

Maybe someday I'll find a group of men to play pickleball with. Instead of noticing athletic women. 

 

My desire for my ex-s approval put me in a situation where I ran by myself until I quit that sport.  My ex was faster and couldn't be bothered to not leave me in the dust.  Selfish but not uncommon behavior.  I only like sports if I have a companion.

 

I stopped running.  Boring!

 

Now I can say no to myself whenever I feel like it.  I can cancel, not show up, change my mind, leave early or arrive late or both, not respond!   I can simply not respond.

 

I will sleep in peace…deep slumber.  And dream of safe places far far away on the edges of the galaxy.