Was I ever a person in my ex-wife’s eyes?

She checked out by 2012 so people could wonder why I even care…many feel she was evil and unworthy of me. And cruel. I agree, and I still loved her.

The reason I keep journaling about her is because new circumstances arise every day that dissolve the few remaining happy memories I have.

This is a woman who has ghosted me for 12% of the time we were married. Lacking any positive feedback from her for so long, I doubt she can differentiate me from Trump. All I recall is the shock of her constant drumbeat that I was an aggressive drunk bad sexual partner. Good morning honey! You look beautiful as always!

Today's trigger to revisionist history was a coffee session with some tennis friends who asked what early COVID was like in Truckee.  I recounted my very happy memories of paired climbs up in the sunny snow of the closed XC center at Tahoe Donner followed by dry mountain bike rides down Sober Deer along Alder Creek.  I recall laughing and enjoying that amazing April til early June 2020 with my wife jointly, both of us aware that we had the best setup for early COVID of any one we knew.

Within a year our marriage was a mess.

I think Mina was already gone...now.  Never occurred to me then.  She was bored, non-responsive, absent.  She may already been having an affair when COVID hit, and needed to put on the breaks because we were stuck together during the antiseptic spray door handle period.

Another happy memory I now believe I lived alone...

I'll never know.  Mina ghosts people who disappoint her.  That's how she protects her narrative...by freezing people into the horrid shapes she desires to protect her own sense of being god's gift.

Who cares, right?  She's a toddler by any emotional scale.  Still...my PTSD is based on living with someone who wished me harm.  And not noticing, until three years later.

It will be a long time before the anger subsides--at her, and at myself.  What a dupe!