Too many journal entries

Today, I'm using this journal to keep myself off the bottom of the pool.  It just turned out to be the worst of a three day streak that feels like returning to last summer and fall and winter.  That's bad.  I don't want to go back there ever again, and I feel angry and frustrated about this slide, temporary as it may be.

 

I have no tools that beat back depression.  I don't believe there are any.  No quick fixes as I wrote earlier.  Fuck the myth of self help and self actualization.  Fuck the narcissists who believe their own experience should be mine.

 

They are stupid.  And sad. 

 

Fuck all the wasted courses my ex-wife took on my dime.  She did nothing with them, and as far as I can tell, tried to bring the exact opposite home to destroy my mental health and ruin our life together.  She took NVC classes until the instructors stopped telling her she was exceptional (hey, it worked for law school purportedly).  She brought home violence.

 

She studied IFS.  She brought home the anti-family parts.  She took her sexual part and fucked other people.  IFS didn't last long.

 

She did psychedelics, proving that, in the wrong hands, disaster will ensue. 

 

She did that tapping thing that lets you know about past generations, and discovered she didn't have any. 

 

She did pretty much everything except real talk therapy, which, of course, would have forced her to express her lies.  I can't see my ex in traditional therapy.  Or in lasting friendships.  Not her thing.

 

Mostly she learned from her dad that she was always right.  Imagine what his parents must have been like!  Whew…bad deal there.

 

The point is that these things are all bullshit vs the reality of trauma, abuse, and abandonment.  I'm so glad they don't work for Mina either!  She just doesn't know it.  I do.