A comparison chart of the two members of my recent marriage

This was fun to create.  That’s a benefit of personal writing—to laugh at the pain and sadness. To see how truly miserable we sometimes are and yet each day still arrives.  Sometimes when I’m very low, to name call or simply state your truth into the emptiness.  

Here goes: I lived with a weak, fearful, selfish child for many many years who hated me for my successes but was bored to rudeness with me at the same time.  More fun name calling: because I couldn’t applaud her every waking moment  is it ok to just acknowledge that my best friend and life partner was often a roaring bitch?  She caused pain, fucked around, and still, to this day I assume, has never experienced love.

I’m turning 70 in a few months  I feel ok about that—kind of a non-event  at the moment   But I didn’t expect to be living alone now and I’m disappointed by my ex for her adhd approach to caring for others.  I’m certain she’s hurt herself and others I’ve never met since she dumped me the third and final time.  I miss her friendship,  but there’s a small upside:  I feel safer, and appreciate the relative lonely peaceful state that results when:

• you cook alone
• sleep alone
• brush your teeth alone
• walk alone
• talk to yourself or your pet if you talk to anyone
• nap on the couch alone when you’re sad or can’t do otherwise
• keep the house clean alone, fold your own laundry and no one else’s, and 
• walk the aisles of your natural foods grocery store alone, wondering if you’ll feel like eating tomorrow. 

As you can see from the chart below, being lonely and sad feels better than the alternative   I know my teeth won’t get kicked out today  I might cry myself to sleep, but I won’t get hurt while slumber arrives.  

Here are some points of comparison:

	David	My ex
Number of lost jobs recently	None	Several
Number of best friends who disappointed you—last 36 months	None	All
Parents who were bad to you—lifetime	None	2
Number of times you’ve tried to maintain contact with your ex	Far too many, from my point of view	0
Experience with psychedelics	A lot	3
Amount of time coaching people on the use of psychedelics to fix themselves and hold sacred space for others	None	Fulltime
Time in psychotherapy	18 years	None

 

Parents who “have never been wrong”	None	1
Number of times you’re triumphed over adversity by going for a workout—last three years	Zero	Every time
Gifts or checks sent to your ex—last three years	39	0
Number of times you claim you were raped by your life partner	0	3
How much coke you do now	None	My diet is perfect.  I treat my body like a sacred vessel and the rest of you are inferior
Who looks better in a dress	Me	Everyone other than me
Number of times you’ve walked out for longer than 5 months	0	3
Attitude toward your last marriage	Happy	Bored, repulsed, superior, indifferent
Number of times arguments weren’t your fault	What on earth are we fighting about?  I don’t understand.	Every time
Empathy for your ex	Infinite.  I know you better than any one ever has, or ever will	Who?  My ex is an alcoholic aggressive cocaine addict loser