Sadness continues...

Sad again today.  That's too bad.  It makes sense that I'd feel sad now...the fall, the oncoming cold, the darkness, my own journey out of hell.

But I prefer the days when I sense a millimeter of progress.  The days where I lunge forward with hope.  The days were I sense that living alone is a potential opportunity, unexplored but available, like a large room in a house that I didn't know was there.

Sadness repeats  all the same elements since 2012.  Sadness that I understated Mina's ability to hurt people.  I believed I was strong enough and sufficiently free of needs to get destroyed as others have.  Try getting PTSD and see how strong you are in the face of sociopathy.

Like me, probably about 15 minutes.  

Sadness that my best friend dumped me three times, and pulled the rug out from under our marriage every time she couldn't get the attention she needed or what she wanted.  (Which was never.  Never in her life.  Never will be in the future.  Narcissists are insatiable--shallow wells that never fill.) 

Sad that I was such a moron, so intent on maintaining the myth that I was fulfilling my contract with my mother that has long since been cancelled, that I sold myself on the falsehood that I had an exceptional marriage...the perfect marriage for me.  The exceptional marriage.

Everyone else knew...our marriage was a battle of trying to keep my ex wife's sense that the entire universe owned her something from destroying each day.  I succeeded more often than I failed, but the successes were negotiated and the failures were low and mean.

So far below average as to defy rating.  Bottom one percent.

Sad that I did not set boundaries for myself and Mina took that for a weakness she could rob blind.

Sad I never got a single need met by my ex for 30 years.  I gave her my closets and my assets and I got her a green card, and I got her the only two paid jobs she had that lasted more than 6 months.  Mina--what did you ever give me?  You just complained to everyone who would listen that I sucked.

I'm talking year one.  It got worse for the last 29.  Hellish bad.

So I have lots of room to find wonderful things in mu future.   Just not on the days that take a small step back into the empty dark empty well.