Today I crashed so hard and then a friend experienced a miracle.
I'm generally improving. Recovering. Finding moments of solace.
Not today. Today at around 3:30 I crashed into the land of:
- why am I here?
- I have no purpose
- For what reason do I exist.
I feel like buying coke so I can have energy and start moving away from this glacial pit.
No one would notice if I died. I would not impact anyone's life.
Same as I continue to live. I have no impact. No one listens to me or cares about me. I am forgotten. I am the unseen man in the third aisle of the natural food store. My shirt is slightly untucked, and I didn't shave or shower this morning. I get a 10% "wisdom discount" because I'm a senior citizen! That's one of the few nice things anyone does for me. Thank you New Moon!!!
On top of it all, I'm bored with depression, though at least being purposeless feels like a new form of the deep forlorn.
Here comes the self destructive dialog!
One way to avoid it that works: list my ex-wife's failures.
Today her complete lack of manners stands out. God...she didn't give a shit who she insulted.
Except those who had any power over her. Then she became as craven as a worm. It was embarrassing to watch.
I just sent her another monthly $10,000 that she didn't earn, deserve, contribute to, or acknowledge. What an asshole! Who behaves like this--Trump? And Mina!
I lived with her failures for 28 years. She tried to blame them on me when she couldn't find another scapegoat (usually she could). I stand firm and tall and strong on this one point: Mina--you own 100% of your failures. There's not another being on the planet that owns 1%. Those are yours alone. Contemplate that truth and get back to the people you've wronged.
I was not the partner my wife wanted apparently. I can't recall anything about me that she said she liked or appreciated, and the list of my failures is longer than my arm. But I tried and I showed up to support her endless bad judgments and directional changes and projects. And what did she give me back? Yawns. That's what I remember. Mina...please remind me of one instance where you showed up in a positive way that helped me. You were irrelevant to my happiness and endlessly vocal about what you felt were my flaws. instead of love, I received emptiness and abuse from you. why? Why? Why ghost me now when I'm broken, hurt, damaged and alone? what does that gain you except the freedom to repeat your same atrocious treatment of friends who expected more of you before they learned there was nothing behind your soulless heart and eyes?
Tonight I shared with a friend who had some wonderful "career" news today. She sat in silence and observed her own gratitude. I shared the experience with her, and honored every moment. This is a friend who has not always had support when she needed it, and has written about some bad breaks that make my life seem easy.
Gratitude. Quiet. Contemplation. Honoring.
What a shitty marriage I had. I wasted so much of my goodness on an empty black hole. And she was miserable too...it didn't do her any good to destroy me with her selfishness. I know I could have been so much more. I don't know who she was so I can't comment on her journey, then or now.
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