Too small to break
Did my marriage shatter?
Perhaps. Though not now. And in stages.
I broke in 2012. Then I had the endless torment of a dissatisfied and frustrated wife. I believe she wanted celebrity, or at least a spotlight, and I provided neither.
And so I receded, out of what was meaningful to her, and mostly away from what I loved about myself.
The year my wife left me—for a polyamorous open marriage plan (I was not invited to the sexathon) my word of the year was "small."
I had stopped hoping to please anyone, least of all myself. I just wanted to avoid being ignored, and criticized, and subjected to ridicule. I tried to hide my successes and to keep my own counsel. I sought out strangers at parties because they were so much more empathetic than my false friends.
Now I have achieved my goal. I live alone and avoid returning infrequent phone calls from friends.
I am small. I do not matter very much. My circle is small and getting smaller. I don't need much. I would love more kindness around me, even if it's not directed at me. Knowing kindness exists somewhere would encourage me to keep going. To experience my breathing as an opportunity to receive what the universe needs to tell me.
I am curious why I am here, and it makes sense that I'm lost in space. The tiniest of tiny dots in the constellations, somewhere. Isn't that a wondrous thing, that I am. That I was. That I will be for some staccato moments.
Perhaps. Though not now. And in stages.
I broke in 2012. Then I had the endless torment of a dissatisfied and frustrated wife. I believe she wanted celebrity, or at least a spotlight, and I provided neither.
And so I receded, out of what was meaningful to her, and mostly away from what I loved about myself.
The year my wife left me—for a polyamorous open marriage plan (I was not invited to the sexathon) my word of the year was "small."
I had stopped hoping to please anyone, least of all myself. I just wanted to avoid being ignored, and criticized, and subjected to ridicule. I tried to hide my successes and to keep my own counsel. I sought out strangers at parties because they were so much more empathetic than my false friends.
Now I have achieved my goal. I live alone and avoid returning infrequent phone calls from friends.
I am small. I do not matter very much. My circle is small and getting smaller. I don't need much. I would love more kindness around me, even if it's not directed at me. Knowing kindness exists somewhere would encourage me to keep going. To experience my breathing as an opportunity to receive what the universe needs to tell me.
I am curious why I am here, and it makes sense that I'm lost in space. The tiniest of tiny dots in the constellations, somewhere. Isn't that a wondrous thing, that I am. That I was. That I will be for some staccato moments.
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