Wrong again… another record

 I thought a few days ago might be the worst day yet, and it was. 

Until today!  I’m sitting in a corner restaurant at an airport. It doesn’t matter which one. I am not sure I can get up, and I don’t know where I’d go if I did. 

Worrisome. I’m frightened among other things.

I don’t know if this is a mental breakdown. I hope not. I don’t want to have to give up. And I have a big project I’m forced to complete now. But I can’t move at the moment.  

I spent so long trying to keep my marriage intact. None of it ever worked and my life spirit was wasted on a ghost. I did not learn anything. I shrunk—rather than growing. Now I am as small as dust.  

I don’t care about her needs anymore—maybe some comfort that I’d fail to meet them as always even if I was capable of trying. 

Save yourself, David. Try to save yourself. You are disappearing very rapidly. This is the biggest wall you’ve ever faced. I empathize with my own challenge to get out of here intact. 

Interesting to notice the change brought on by the stress of selling my home. I’m familiar with depression but PTSD had been lying low the last 18 months. They’re in full battle now.  Anxiety wrestling with impaired stasis. I can’t move and I can’t sit still. I’m certain this is cancer-inducing. Where else would this conflict go except destruction of healthy tissue.

I’ve been sitting in the same chair near a checkin counter for four hours. I don’t know where to go, why, or what direction I should move in. Wow. Like I will stay here until someone kicks me out on the sidewalk. Who gives a fuck anymore. 

Just missed my flight and I don’t care. It’s comfy here.  PTSD and depression—quite a cocktail. My chest aches. I don’t think I can work anymore. I want to fall asleep here. 

I knew my ex would fuck me over all along. She was very clear I was not special. I stupidly thought I’d shrug if off in 2012. I never did and now deferred grieving has taken me down 13 years later. 

Thanks for trying to be a good person finally. You’ve got a tough road ahead but who knows. Stranger things have happened. Like UFO,s for instance.