Unacceptable terms, ignored and laughed at

I could have saved my marriage if my ex had only agreed to the following terms:

1. Absolutely no more trash talking me to my friends. Signed in blood.  Be silent if you’re not saying something nice.  For once!

2. No more affairs, and immediate termination of the current ones. Accept that after the pain you’ve caused,and your unresponsiveness, I now find you repulsive.  Sorry.  I guess that means no sex ever again, unlike your super happy and cool sex life now!

3. Honesty about money, sex, and your actual emotions,  if you notice one during meditation.

4. That you engage in regular talk therapy and temporarily step back from coaching as your way of avoiding self-examination.

Ha. That's funny. As if she gives a shit about my requests. She doesn't even answer texts. That would be kind, which, to her, is a weakness. Only losers are kind, right? Just like Joe always said.

And as I always said:  no help ever from that quarter.  This is not new or a surprise.  So why has it disabled me completely?  I know victims can’t control PTSD and depression, but shouldn’t my actions now have some impact on my healing?  It’s been three terrible lonely sad angry years by myself…each day a battle to even pretend to stay in the game.  

My partner was a violent selfish shell. I knew that all along.  But I tolerated it rather than challenge her, which literally meant she would invent hell every time.  For anyone who challenged her.  Foul and sick but I made it work for me.  You can’t solve for withdrawal. That wins every time, if you’re that kind of sad ass human.  

I still love my angry hurt needy self more than the ghost and judge and blame crowd, of which my ex is the lesbian polyamorous passion-filled usurper queen!  At her level, there’s no doubt, even for a non-believer like me and my family, that karma will do its work, as always.