Am I a good person?
Perhaps I will learn more about that today. I am worthy of love and respect. I know that.
I struggle with the idea that my best friend treats me like shit. She has a behavioral disorder and does this regularly to others. Damage often occurs to the victims of her behaviors—serious damage.
Part of this playbook is an inability to experience guilt or shame. This is typical of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Ask any narcissist to apologize and you'll get a series of self-justifications that make your head spin. Trump is an excellent public example of this illness. Those with NPD can "never be wrong."
My ex's condition is exacerbated by Addison's Disease, in which the adrenal gland overrides normal endorphins and replaces them with adrenaline and cortisol—the fight or flight chemicals. I imagine she lives in a second by second trigger system of incorrect judgement, which NPD interprets every second as "certain truth." Prey in a cage, ranking every interloper each millisecond on a scale of danger.
What a mess. You could still be a good person with this skewed epic chemical battle duking it out like a Mike Tyson fight behind your eyes. You'd just come off as weirder than shit. And endlessly self-destructive. Charming to the wrong people and rude to caregivers. Flipping her assessments second by second. Unable to form or maintain sustainable relationships.
And absolutely certain the pain she feels is someone else's fault. Having someone to blame is a biochemical necessity—a matter of survival on the veld. I am that person for her now.
Meet my ex! I send sympathy…unreciprocated as always. Why else would I be writing about this in my journal. I too am deeply damaged and I too am certain it's her fault. As have the others. They were good people, wrongly accused, blamed, and ignored.
I struggle with the idea that my best friend treats me like shit. She has a behavioral disorder and does this regularly to others. Damage often occurs to the victims of her behaviors—serious damage.
Part of this playbook is an inability to experience guilt or shame. This is typical of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Ask any narcissist to apologize and you'll get a series of self-justifications that make your head spin. Trump is an excellent public example of this illness. Those with NPD can "never be wrong."
My ex's condition is exacerbated by Addison's Disease, in which the adrenal gland overrides normal endorphins and replaces them with adrenaline and cortisol—the fight or flight chemicals. I imagine she lives in a second by second trigger system of incorrect judgement, which NPD interprets every second as "certain truth." Prey in a cage, ranking every interloper each millisecond on a scale of danger.
What a mess. You could still be a good person with this skewed epic chemical battle duking it out like a Mike Tyson fight behind your eyes. You'd just come off as weirder than shit. And endlessly self-destructive. Charming to the wrong people and rude to caregivers. Flipping her assessments second by second. Unable to form or maintain sustainable relationships.
And absolutely certain the pain she feels is someone else's fault. Having someone to blame is a biochemical necessity—a matter of survival on the veld. I am that person for her now.
Meet my ex! I send sympathy…unreciprocated as always. Why else would I be writing about this in my journal. I too am deeply damaged and I too am certain it's her fault. As have the others. They were good people, wrongly accused, blamed, and ignored.
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