Giving up?

I feel like I'm giving up on life. I'm not producing energy any more. Not sure I need any calories. Don't know if I want to eat or move or communicate

Is this a crisis? Perhaps for me but not for anyone else.

Is it permanent? I hope not. Not a good time to make any decisions I suppose. I can’t keep myself clean. Soap doesn’t work. 

I’m so full of shame that I let another person abuse me like this for so long, and allowed it because I did not value myself. I believe I was psychologically raped by my wife. Everyone else in my community knew it. None helped me.  

This is probably what dying feels like. Not speaking or moving or caring anymore. I fought so hard for so long but my contracts with my family and myself and this forsaken species are all over paid. I do not like and I can no longer invest in what I see, and there are no returns anywhere.

I believe I am gravely ill. 

People are horrid. I have no family and I’m exposed to cruelty on a daily basis. 

Death be not proud. For whom the bell tolls. For thee. But it is true you’re winning. I dislike myself and my life. I do not value it any longer. What difference does it make today if I get up, or if I don’t. 

Let the great world spin.  

Fall on your knees. 

Infinite jest. 

Gravity’s rainbow.

I can’t do it. I can’t complete anything anymore. I’m exhausted by pretending I am competent. 

Where can I turn for help?  I have no one. Ceci!  The two of us.   

My family betrayed and violated me.  I cannot forget 2012 and 2022 and it’s destroyed me. My only solace is that my ex is a serial abuser. That doesn’t help much when you’re lost in a deep wood by yourself for years and you haven’t seen the sun in decades. 

Who turns their back on someone in chronic pain after 30 years of one-way support and love? Who is that evil? I simply can’t comprehend behavior that seems match to the devil or witches. Why can’t I exorcise her demon and find the peace and safety I need to keep living? 

She walked away regularly to fuck other people, got dumped by her lovers within days or weeks—and then blamed me. She’s never had a healthy relationship with anyone. 

I am permanently and grievously damaged by you.  You owe me my life back. Me and so many others you’ve damaged. I don’t leave my house any more, knowing there are assholes like you out there who are careless and dangerous.