Assessment

You frequently misunderstand other people's intentions.

You have Addison's disease which jeans you get less positive biochemistry around good feelings and more constant fight or flight feedback even when not related to the universe around you.

People frequently express strong feelings to you that they're upset.

Why do you continue to be 100% sure people deserve what you decree? It seems to me gentleness and careful humility would be appropriate, and it would give you better access to meditation and peace. I wish I knew why you are so attached to performing behaviors that hurt me, others, and appear to make you sad and/or ill.

I empathize that you did not get the easiest epigenetic load on the planet. You don't need to live that way though. You have more control over your reactions than you give yourself credit for.

You’ll love this:  I have advice for you!  Not that you’d take it from anyone, particularly a man. (What gender are you these days?). But it’s really good advice, from my heart, and you’ve ignored it at all those dharma talks for decades. 

Here’s the advice:  become a student finally. A gentle curious open student. Let the sun teach you. Pay attention to the animals around you in a more co-regulated way. 

Being a coach or teacher or anything else like that is for the birds. It’s about control, power, performance, and distance. It’s about judging others and not listening to yourself. Haven’t you done enough of that since you had to start at age 4?  Give that little girl a hug for once. Experience what empathy for yourself feels like. I am certain you do not currently know. 

Now that the unwanted advice section is over, I’ll refer to you blog and the difficult years you’ve had. Another thing you’ve lost, I’m sad to say:  the moral right to pretend, imply, or claim that you haven’t hurt close friends and family grievously. Often beyond recognition.  Regularly medically. A student would know that. A teacher just looks at their notes or PowerPoints.