Too much cruelty

My world is comprised of exposure to cruelty.

 

Certainly, we have Trump as a prime example.  It's horrible to see that a public figure can treat other humans like this, and other human beings go into mob behavior…kill Mike Pence!  Shit on Nancy Pelosi's desk! Have Rudy Guilani file 64 frivolous lawsuits wasting hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars, and then don't pay him!

 

Watching these slobbering wolves, it's hard to understand how the human species has survived our .1% period on the eternal timescale beginning 12 billion years ago.  We've tried to annihilate ourselves…we've tried hard.  The thing is…we're not even smart enough to destroy ourselves. 

 

Then there's my Inner Critic.  I suffer from PTS and depression.  My Inner Critic is having a field day.  I know it's trying to protect me but there are no other voices or "parts" left.  They got bored and went to help other souls.

 

Then there's my ex-wife.  She's indifferent to others' pain.  I've been in her discard pile for three years.  I think I deserved so much more from her, but it's not as if you could ask.  The result was verbal and sometimes physical abuse.  And withdrawal.  Endless withdrawal.  After 30 years of marriage, I know the shape of her back still, but I can't remember now what her face looks like. 

 

She was angry at me and sleeping with someone else when my dad got sick and died.  She showed up at the celebration service.  I got two friends Rachael and Lucretia to escort her so she wouldn't fuck things up too much, but she still needed babysitting.  She would have slept with another of my friends that evening, but she got too drunk and passed out.  If she had sex, she didn't know it.

 

This is the world and community I built for myself.  I stayed here when Trump came on the scene.  I lost control of my mental health and my ability to praise and love myself.  I let my ex move in and share my closet and my bank account the day I met her.

 

And I got fucked.  Not sexually.  I was never made love to, that's for sure.  But I got used and abused. 

 

Now I'm 69, I hate myself with a passion, Trump can assassinate me without reproach (I will not renounce my radical politics for a scumbag), and my life partner is still alive.  Of the three, at least she ignores me.  That's the best I can say about Don, Mina, and my Inner Critic.  My ex has ignored me for four years.

 

I miss her so much, but I'd be dead by now…I don't have love in my life anywhere now, except my cat and my leased horse.  So I have no way to protect myself from violent cruel abuse.