Signing my divorce settlement papers

Today I signed my divorce settlement documents.  Notarized by the nice woman at the UPS store in Truckee California, on Donner Pass Rd. 

 

I am writing here because I am crushed, hurt, and damaged.  I don't know what else to do to keep myself alive.

 

I pray that this is as low as I go. 

 

I have to accept that I chose my life partner very poorly.

 

Based on what I needed for a happy life, she was a good companion, but a dreadful friend and an atrocious wife. 

 

If she'd spent just a few minutes a year thanking or praising me, or telling me she loved me, I might be in better shape.  But, she didn't.  She used every moment I we were not together to complain about me to her friends.  I was afraid to leave her because I knew the knife would land in my back as soon as the door closed behind me.

 

She was a bedroom warrior.

 

She competed with her partner, and no one else.  Never herself.  So she never improved at all, since we were well matched and improving enough to surpass me was not a stretch.  I'm eleven years older—she wasted her skills competing with someone who was not anywhere near her age group.  As a result, she was mediocre.

 

She could not express emotions unless she was performing them.  I do not have a single picture of her touching me.  Years ago she instructed me to never touch her during photosessions.  I should have understood that she was embarrassed by me.  And still I hung on.

 

I wish I remember you fondly, but instead I just remember the snippets of pure hatred you spewed each time you returned from one of your affairs.  "I checked with my lawyer and what I did is not a crime" was the last statement of values I ever heard from her.

 

The first was "my first husband watched too much 90210."

 

Between the first and the last, there were no high points of great moral imagination.  Just dumping on her other friends who weren't in the room.

 

I conclude that my life partner was a nasty, small, undeveloped child.  Another friend says "in an attractive package.  She was very beautiful to me, and I was always proud to be with her.  Most people didn't notice her, I'd say, so I don't understand why she ignored my regard.

 

Maybe it's just that she was so disdainful of me that nothing I said mattered.  That's how it felt.  Every day.  24/7.  I did not matter. 

 

I was taken for granted, I suppose.  Like a ninth grade romance.  Or third grade?  Do they have romance back there?  I kissed Doris Locke in 2^nd grade in the playground behind Van Antwerp. 

 

I think Doris was a better kisser than my life partner, but I really don't remember.  My ex always had a tight pursed lip thing going on.  Probably another sign that she was grossed out by me but stuck.

 

Anyway, I chose very poorly, and now I am ruined.  Permanently?  It certainly feels that way.  Humans often recover from some of the great tragedies. 

 

I'm not very strong, and I have no reason to continue…except my cat Ceci, who is still here, purring. 

 

I signed my divorce settlement papers today, ending a 30 year marriage.  I don't have a single person to tell.  I had a glass of sparkling water, and I'm going to get into bed and fall asleep.  It's 4:01 in the afternoon as I write this. 

 

If I awake, I wonder what will happen to me.  I wonder when I'll stop crying.  Can I take care of myself?  Silly human.  We aren't allotted answers for questions such as these.